Behind The Mask

 

I did not realize, until very recently, how this pandemic has affected me.  Yes, there has been a lot of feelings....... sadness, empathy, anger, frustration, peace, hope, and probably some others.  It has been a roller coaster.  I think I have just been trying to live life as normally as possible and I have ignored some of the things that have changed, for me.  I have locked away some of the emotions I have felt, at times, because I don't want to feel them.  Then I have ignored other things around me because I simply don't want to know.  What can I say, ignorance is bliss.  I have had intense moments of fear for the future, but I have also had overwhelming feelings of hope and peace through it all.  

A few weeks ago when listening to the Zoom Sunday School meeting in my ward, it hit me!  I almost did not want to listen because I just did not want to hear people talk about the pandemic, and truthfully there was a part of me that did not want to see their faces.  I have not seen some of these people in person for over 6 months and I found it easier for myself to just stay a little detached.  One of my neighbors, an older single gentleman, made the comment "I have been exposed a few times, but I'm not scared, I won't live in fear, if it is my time to go then God will take me."  This is not a direct quote, but he said something of this nature.  I don't know why, but this just caused me to break down, I just started crying.  I don't know why I had this reaction because I have felt the same way as this man.  Maybe it was a relief to hear someone else talk about this feeling and to know he really meant it.  I have felt very alone for the last little while and I guess it was comforting in some way.  Later in the meeting there was talk about how we should be respectful of others and always be kind.  My bishop made a comment about this that also took its toll on my emotions at that moment.  Again, not sure why I had this reaction because I agreed and felt the same way about showing love and kindness and having respect for others.  I struggled to halt the tears all afternoon because I could not help but think of all of the unkindness, hate and anger I have witnessed over the months. It has been heartbreaking and I think that is something I have tried to ignore until this very moment and all of it came rushing back.  This place I have been in for months has been a very difficult one and is a place that I know many others are also in however, it feels like we are cut off from each other.  It's like we are all in the same room, but we are locked in our own sound proof booths with no light.  

I will admit I have allowed myself to be angry and have also engaged in argument or discussion that has not always resulted in a positive way.  Although this has only happened a few times, it has not helped me in anyway.  I consciously make an effort to not do this because I don't like contention and I don't want to add to the anger and the hate.  It seems that when others can hear your voice they either don't want to or they are so blinded by the fear or anger, at your disagreement, that they can't see you as a human anymore.  I discussed some things with an old friend a few months ago and although we disagreed I expressed that I still respected her and her point of view.  She, unfortunately could not do the same for me.  I am one that struggles a great deal with wearing the mask.  The thing that has bothered me the most about this is that I should probably have a medical exemption, but it has become easier to just wear the mask because it is harder to deal mentally with the contention and harassment that it invites.  This is so incredibly heartbreaking for me because we as a society have become so trained and so blinded that we cannot even accept anyone who legitimately cannot wear one.  Before the pandemic so much of life was dedicated to being inclusive, listening to others and accepting people for who they are.  My husband, who has not worn a mask this whole time, has his own beliefs and convictions that even I don't always agree with, but I respect with full conviction because I understand his point of view and I love him no matter what.  We have been treated, at times, like it is solely his fault that this virus is spreading.  Now, to be clear, he doesn't go out too often.  When he works he is usually alone in a greenhouse or a field.  He has not been mean to others, has kept his distance, and has not been sick.  It is indeed a hard place to be when others would shun you or perhaps have you jailed for following the dictates of your own conscience.  Not only that, but they don't even want to know your point of view or why you believe the way you do.  

 I believe everyone has a reason for believing what they do, if in fact they have passion about it.  The naysayers throughout history, whether labeled as conspiracy theorists or something else, have played a valuable role in slowing the corruption in or outside of government or they have slowed the demise in other ways.  What I mean by this, is, it is absolutely okay to ask questions or be a little skeptical.  Somehow those who would question data, integrity of a system or governments always seem to come out as the conspiracy theorists, or made out to be crazy.  These people see things that many don't see and they have a foundation of some sort in why they are skeptical.  The major thing society as a whole fails to recognize is that these kinds of people bring up good points and sometimes are the only thing that keeps society from slipping further down the slippery slope of any issue.  I know my husband seems crazy to a lot of people, but he does have a pretty solid foundation for what he believes.  Many people who are willing to listen to him eventually come around and realize that he is not just crazy.

 Throughout these months I have seen many on social media post something with the sentiment "if you don't agree with me then unfriend me".  I have seen many arguments on social media where people saw others as less than human because they did not share the same point of view. I have seen those who have had Covid-19, or even been exposed, but don't have it, treated like a leper.  The way in which they have been treated makes me wonder if we will soon be shipping the infected off to an island in the middle of nowhere and left to fen for themselves, as lepers were in the past.  I have witnessed a lot of disgusting and nasty language and name calling.  Now days if you walk out of the house and try to be human, then you are seen as the scum of society, and why?  Because of fear!  

Normalcy bias....its this thing where we become so complacent with what is "normal" to us that we don't believe anything can change or that anything bad can happen!  This pandemic has surely shaken up the normalcy bias we ALL have.  My fear now is that the "new normal" is the new "normalcy bias" and now we don't want to believe the government control could lead to anything bad because it hides "behind the mask" of the pandemic and its all about safety.  "When the government wants to take the guns that usually means they want to do something to you that you would shoot them for", haha, remember that the next time you trust the government.  I personally think its good to have a healthy skepticism of government.  That is after all how this country started.  The founders, in their day, were seen as a little crazy, a little on the conspiracy theorist side and they spoke up and fought back.  Lucky that courage is contagious, or maybe it is a Divine quality of human nature.  They were still a minority and it was a miracle that the constitution was ever ratified!  Even after the revolutionary War the people still wanted a king, did they learn nothing?  They had just fought a bloody brutal war to free themselves from a king and now they wanted another one! Miracles, it indeed was done with Divine intervention!  

Maybe listening to each other and understanding each others' points of view is the key to making this world a more peaceful place.  Maybe people with a different perspective are not of less worth than you.  If you listen to someone of an opposing view you never know, you might find that what they have to say makes sense.  You might discover that they have valid points, you might find some common ground!  What is so hard about that?  Its not necessarily a matter of who's right and who's wrong, but just a difference on perspective.  You might see the issue from a right angle and someone else might see an obtuse angle.  They don't know what you know and you might not know what they know, so why can't we peacefully share our findings together?  Yes, I do believe there are some people out there intentionally working against Liberty and the people who don't see it contribute, maybe unknowingly, to the destruction of Liberty.  The Golden Rule may be use here..... treat others as you would want to be treated.  

As you read this, you might be thinking that maybe I consider myself to be perfect?!?  Well not at all!  It has taken me some time to learn how to listen to others' opposing views without acting like a jerk or getting angry.  There is a learning curve for most of us probably.  I write this because these are things I have learned, which means at some point I wasn't good at it either......there are moments when I'm still not great at it.  So what makes me qualified to talk about this?  Since we always are so driven by qualifications.......well if you are human, are you human.......and you have ever loved another human or have had any interaction with another human, have you loved or had interaction?  Then you are qualified speak your mind about the subject.  These are merely my thoughts and feelings based on my experiences, maybe yours are different or maybe you can relate to some of what I'm saying.  I have not forgotten about those who have lost loved ones to Covid, I too feel for them and I understand their concerns and paranoia.  I'm not here to claim it's not important or not real. Hopefully you are not getting that idea.  We are humans and therefore we are subject to many flaws.  I believe we all deserve mercy, not only from God, but from one another.  If someone is willing to grant me mercy for my flaws I am more likely to do the same, of course the goal is to grant it to all no matter what, but again I am not perfect.  I had a wise teacher that once told me that the biggest room in the world was for improvement!

Whether we agree or disagree with wearing a mask, having lock downs, or going into quarantine, we are all wearing a mask of sorts.  We have in many ways been forced to hide behind a mask, whether by governments, or by fear.  We are literally abandoning the very things that make us human, many might believe it is for good reason and I can see that especially if you have had a loved one affected or you have been affected by the virus.  I do understand why people are concerned.  I wear a mask in public and to work, I do my shopping mostly online and curbside, I have not been in a restaurant in over 6 months, I have stayed home as much as possible, and I have maintained distance from others when appropriate.  I have not even returned to partial church meetings because I will not force my kids to wear the mask.  I have also been afraid of seeing the divide among my ward family.  At some point, though, we must ask ourselves how far are we willing to take this?  Are we willing to fight against the humanity within ourselves for the rest of our lives?  Indeed, I do not believe the world will ever return to the normal we once knew.  We will be changed forever, for good in many ways, but bad in many ways.  Its the bad I worry about, I always welcome changes that are good and beneficial to all. 

We can now be arrested, detained, jailed for up to a year, or fined up to $10,000 for simply wanting to show our face in public.  We have been forced to separate from one another to some degree.  The Iron County police department recently made a statement saying that they would not enforce the Governor's mandates in Utah for a few reasons, 1- the sheriff believes they are unconstitutional and he took an oath to uphold that constitution.  Classy, good for him and kudos to him for having the courage to say that. 2- the mandates and the pandemic have caused increases in suicide, domestic abuse, homicides due to domestic abuse, and people refusing medical treatment when they have a heart attack, stroke or other condition because they would rather die at this point.  He goes on to say that their department encourages people to do the right thing, be courteous to those who are fearful of getting sick, respect the choice of businesses to require the mask, etc.  He trusts that their community will be better off doing things this way.  He sees the fragility of the mental health in his community and does not want to add to the destruction of their lives.  This is heartbreaking!  Believe it or not, but there are some benefits to allowing the people to govern themselves.  We need to remember that so many of us are suffering and dying outside of covid-19.  That person you might have publicly shamed for not wearing a mask might be on the verge of suicide, they might have a legitimate reason for not wearing it, you don't know why they are not wearing it and maybe its none of your business!  This is a pandemic of epic proportions and it's not because millions in our country are dying from Covid-19.  It is of epic proportions because this is not only a viral pandemic, but its a pandemic of suicide, domestic abuse, depression, anxiety, loss of hope, division, hate, and anger.

There is a saying at my work, "every tube represents a patient, a human".  I work in a medical laboratory and we don't see any patients, but we see all of the tubes.  Behind every mask is a person, a human being that is worthy of our mercy, respect and kindness.  Behind every mask is a piece of humanity.  Please do not let the fear control your life to the point that we cannot be kind, compassionate to all situations, or human.  Remember.....this is hard for every human, but I don't believe divorcing ourselves from the characteristics that set us apart as human is necessary to go forward in our current situation.  Can we keep our humanity intact?  Our loving Heavenly Father would probably want us to, He is the Father of our creation and our humanity.