All I want for Christmas is............
A better world for my kids. A world where kids being themselves is enough. A world where their innocence, learning, and worth is more valued. That they can be accepted and loved for who they are. A world where their small efforts can do big things!
I guess you could say we have a bit of that world, but we can do better! How can I bring about this world for them?
Wait, can't Santa bring me this gift?????? I can't expect everyone around me to change? I can't expect understanding to spontaneously generate without sharing or changing myself!? Yes, this change must begin with me! I can be the change in the world that my kids and others may need. For a long while now, I have tried to sort my thoughts and our story. I feel that now is the right time to share.
We all are just ordinary people. Most of us do not grow up to be the influencer, famous icon, or the prodigy. No, most of us are classified as ordinary, or normal people with small roles in the world. I believe the small roled people are the ones who can bring about the most change or do the most good! We all have the power to choose good, do good, and be kind and that IS how we change ourselves, others and the world! We are all children of God and that is an EXTRAORDINARY thing. Our children will most likely grow up to be regular people and that might be hard for some of us to accept because we want our kids to be great and EXTRAORDINARY! Every kid, to their parent, is extraordinary and that is the extraordinary thing about it! That makes us all very special, doesn't it?
"Its nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice," Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson said at a recent award show. Now he is a great icon in our world today, but he also exudes the regular, and believes that ordinary people can do great things. He is a charitable man and a great example of what being kind looks like. This is what I have concluded after following him on social media for a year or so. I try to raise my kids by his mantra and another from Fred Rogers " I love you just the way you are " . I believe Mr. Rogers understood children and was very Christlike in the way he interacted and spoke with them. He is one of my heroes! The TV show many people criticized as being boring was really quite enlightening and life changing. Do we really need to change the whole world for our kids? No, we just need to make a difference in their world.
As I think of how to present this story to you I think of Charles Dickens........yes, my favorite author
and activist. I recently read that it takes true intellect to show grace, understanding, and compassion. I believe he is one of the greatest examples of that. So to change my heart I must first look to the Ghosts of my past..............
Our world was turned upside down about the time that our Lucy started thinking and talking, before that we were perfect parents........ha ha ha! Yes everyone is the perfect parent until their child starts walking........ and talking.......... and thinking........and that's when parenting starts to get tough. Now you actually have to start thinking too....... and teaching........and explaining........and answering! It's exhausting! When Myles, my son, came along I had some pretty rough postpartum anxiety and a little depression. I was in a dark place, I did not get help for fear that it would worsen because of my phobia for doctors, caused by some abusive experiences. Our house was filled with contention at times. This is one reason why I have been reluctant to have more children.....I NEVER want to feel like that again. During this time I probably lashed out at my daughter more than I should have, was easily irritated, and short tempered. All in all I did not feel like myself for a couple of years. Through it all something kept telling me to rise from the ashes. I keep hearing that in my head even now through recent trials.
Lucy also rose from the ashes.........but with a new idea. At 2 and half years old she always seemed to be getting into trouble and noticed that her baby brother was different. He was a boy and had different clothing and mom and dad seemed to love him more than her. She began taking his clothes and wearing them even though they were too small, later she began to refuse to wear a dress for any reason or occasion, no matter what. As we have muddled our way through many trials with her these past few years I have found answers. As she sometimes claims to be a boy or expresses frustration at being a girl, I ask her why she wants to be a boy. Once, the truth came out. It was a sad and mutilated truth. She told me she wanted to be a boy because boys get more love. Other answers were of a more juvenile nature, but also truthful. She would say "I like boy clothes better, I think I look dumb in a dress, I like boy toys better, I would rather play with boys than girls." I had to come to terms with the truth that through my own trial, I hurt and confused my own lovely daughter. I think she genuinely likes boy stuff and I've told her over and over how that is okay. Her first friends were boys, she spends a lot of time with her dad, and most of her cousins are boys. I think she genuinely wants to fit in with them and doesn't want to be different from them. This idea may have risen with her even in the absence of my trial, I'm not sure. I think she is terrified of not being loved. Just the other day she asked me, "Mom, if you had 2 boys would you be happier?" She is always pretty concerned for my happiness, it seems. I had to tell her that I couldn't imagine my life without her and I would never want anyone but her! That was a very telling question.
She has been curious about the differences between boys and girls, even obsessed a little. She has
already been curious of the gender roles in our church and asked a year ago when she was 6, "why do boys pass the sacrament and not girls? Why do boys get the priesthood and not girls?" She is very smart and observant about everything, she is also very stubborn and has to make up her own mind about things on her own terms. I've realized I cannot stuff her into a mold for my own sake, my church's sake, or the expectations of others in society. I've had to change the way I parent, the way I understand and the way I think in general. To change, I must shatter the molds of my past, my religion, and the world........for there should be no mold! God made us all different, we are different in trials, answers, growing, faith, and God is okay with that. He doesn't want us all to be the same so why should I desire sameness and exactness in my children, or others' children? When she started refusing to wear a dress to church and dressed like a boy, I was kind of embarrassed and sometimes didn't even want to go to church. One Sunday, when explaining these frustrations to a family at our church they simply said, "at least she is here!" That one little comment changed my world and made a difference, that difference was the choice to stay rather than leave. I cannot force Lucy to think a certain way or accept certain things, she is figuring it all out on her own and that is the only way she will have it!
Lucy is not confused about her gender, she knows she is a girl, but she is completely and utterly disappointed that God made her a girl. We have slowly began mending this misconception and I have rededicated myself to showing more love and compassion in all the ways I possibly can! Lucy is my Jo March, from Little Women, she thinks the idea of being a boy is exciting and better than her current state. I've started to understand Lucy better since I made the Jo March comparison. I remember a time in my life when I felt this way. It seemed so much easier to be a boy, for awhile I wished I was, but I never voiced it. I just needed to find an appreciation for what women could do and how amazing they could be. I eventually found my way.
I have turned to many parenting and childhood development books and podcasts from psychologists. I have found answers and have had breakthroughs. Unlike Scrooge, the past and present have caused me to want to change. I don't want to see or think of the possible harrowing future that could be in store. Now I look to the Ghost of the present............. I am changing! I am shattering the molds which I've spoken of! I have more love and compassion for my children than ever before.
When my son's first friends were girls and he started to admire me more than dad, he would put on
makeup with me and paint his nails with his aunt and even play in dresses! He is a very active exuberant child that wants to experience EVERYTHING! He plays with dolls, he is a people pleaser and has a very active imagination! If anyone could get Lucy into a dress it is him! He had her in an Anna (from frozen) costume for 2 weeks because they loved Frozen 2 so much, they had to play it all out! We saw the movie in theaters 4 times and bought costumes and they played Frozen for 2 weeks! Indeed, God sent Lucy the proper brother! Our children are little explorers on journey-ings of their very own. Play is the most important work of children! In listening to and reading many books on the subject I have found it is quite common for children to desire to be or be like the opposite gender. They are exploring and playing with everything, and that is okay. When some have offered suggestions that my kids are confused or that I'm contributing to their confusion, or they will grow up to be gay. I say, this is an unfair assessment. It is hard listening to book after book and gaining the knowledge of all the things you've done wrong in parenting, its a tough pill to swallow! It truly is a ghost of the past for me! I've realized that children have dignity and also deserve respect. I have realized that it's wrong to make them feel bad about their questions, curiosity, or ideas. They are doing the best they can with the knowledge and tools they have, as am I. I have a parenting tool box I keep adding to. I think it's easy, as a parent to forget children also need respect and have dignity. It's easy to think that we grant them those things rather than thinking they came with those needs intact, and have a right to them, from the beginning. Part of our job as a parent is to keep those things intact and respect those basic human rights. Lucy does not have all the tools she needs to form a decision about her future self. She is still a child and has not gone through puberty yet, she also lacks a lot of life experience. The notion of her deciding she is gay at this point or predicting she will be that way is about as believable as any fantastical, mythical fairy tale. Here is some more food for thought.........do our differences make us less worthy of love, human connection, divine intervention, or acceptance? Regardless of what's in the future I will love and support my kids.
We talk very openly and honestly about life, religion, gender, gender roles and we are very honest and direct with our kids. ALL feelings and emotions are welcome in our house, but it's not okay to hurt others because of anger or frustration. I have been treated, at times, like I'm doing nothing right, or nothing at all and giving my kids too much freedom. To those who might fear this situation or fear the confusion you think it causes, I would ask you, put yourself in my shoes. How would you handle this? Why is it bad to give children the freedom to think? On the flip side, if you give them no freedom to think and take the "do as I say, but not as I do", or the "do as I say, just because" approach, then what? That also causes confusion especially when it has no explanation that kids can make sense of. If you give them freedom to think, but never communicate, then yes, they might be very wrong. I give my kids freedom to think, but we also have many very open discussions in our house. We talk to our kids and try to have good communication, to give them all the information we can, so that they don't make bad decisions, assumptions, or judgements. At some of my daughter's ideas I can't honestly say she is wrong, she makes good points and I have to concede even if I don't totally agree because there is validation in it. "BUT...... she's not acting like I want her to, saying what I want her to, or being like I want her to," I/you might think.............AND we have circled back to the mold thing! I have discovered that I cannot tell my kids what clothes and toys to like and not like. You might be surprised at just how much kids can understand and how they CAN form a good judgement on their own. Kids want to be listened to and need you to give their thoughts and ideas validation. If you do that, they will respect you more.
Myles expressed interest in becoming a ballet dancer, so we wholeheartedly supported! Of course Lucy did not want to be left out! She wanted to dance too! I was a little surprised at her interest because of my judgements and assumptions thus far, haha, ironic right? Well, we again supported her and found a tutu-less jazz class that suited her sassy attitude! She has loved it! She loves the girls in her class and I've watched her shake it like a girl, talk like a girl and enjoy being with a group of girls. This was new territory for her, and I think she is starting to figure out that it's okay for her to be a girl or to like girl things. She is starting to see for herself that other girls are loved and happy, so she can be too! She knows I love her, but the idea still tarries that she doesn't get as much love as a boy would. A few months ago when costumes were being picked for the recital, Lucy was worried she would be in a dress and she was not having it, she was going to quit!! When she refused to do the recital, I wanted to just force it, at first. As I thought about it, I did feel I had the responsibility to encourage her to do hard things. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do and sometimes we have to make sacrifices. This is a recurring conversation in our house. So, I went down stairs into our guest room where I store some of my old performance dresses. I put on my high school madrigals performance formal and asked her "do you think I always wanted to wear this dress for performances?" She said, "NO". Then I said, "you're right, it gets hot and sweaty and I don't always enjoy wearing a fancy dress, but I loved singing and I was part of a team that depended on me. There was no one else to take my place and sing my part. The sacrifice was worth it every time!" I proceeded to tell her that sometimes when you are on stage you are playing a part, but if you love it, the part becomes you and you become the part, costumes don't matter! When you are part of a team you can experience things greater than yourself and you become grateful to be a part of something that can inspire others! After that, the prospect of wearing a dress for one performance didn't seem so bad. Then my kids made me try on my wedding dress and every other costume I had in the closet! Haha!
When her last dance class before the recital came, she talked about doing her hair and makeup, again I
was surprised! I told her I would help if she wanted me to. She then got kind of doubtful, saying "well maybe just a little makeup, or none, I don't know......?" I said she didn't have to if she didn't want to. Recital night came and she was so excited! We did her hair and makeup, she even touched up her makeup on her own! She looked so amazing! She loved dancing on stage! Myles loved dancing on stage too! After she danced she said she wasn't sure she wanted to do the spring recital, but she wanted to stay to watch the upper dance school perform. She watched so intently, her little head right up between the two heads of the people sitting in front of us! It was a sight to behold! When one of the groups with big fluffy tutus finished she looked at me and said "that was so beautiful!" It was such a joy to see her watch all of these beautiful, talented young ladies, and a few very talented young men create something so beautiful that it put her in awe! Every time there was a lift or amazing flips both of my kids looked at me with their jaws to the floor, Myles even said, "I can't believe they can do that!" They were truly inspired! After it was all over Lucy leaned to me and said, "I think I'm going to do the Spring recital!" Today truly is a gift, that's why it's called the present!
The name Lucy means light. Just like the ghost of Christmas past said to Scrooge that it is his kind that
forged his hat and forced it upon his brow. He asks Scrooge if he would put out the light that he could give. Unfortunately, Scrooge does put it out by pushing the cap down completely over the ghost. Why did Scrooge put out the light of the ghost? Because of the truths and harsh realities the ghost showed him. Should we let imperfections, truths or harsh realities stop us from shining.................or cause us to forge a hat to place over the brow of someone else? Should we try and stop someone else's light from shining or deny ourselves the good that could be reaped from it? Some would put out Lucy's light because she is different. She has so much light to give. There is an exploration of ideas in progress. It may sound weird, unconventional, even inappropriate, but this is a child's mind thinking and wondering and finding! We are all imperfect, does that mean our light is not good enough? Maybe it isn't for some people. I have always tried to look for the good, no matter what! I think good can be found in many places, probably most places. If you seek for light you will find it, if you continue to seek only for the brightest light, you may just miss your opportunity to follow the lesser light into the greater light.
The light of the sun is greater than that of the moon and the stars, but one leads into day and the other leads into night, they follow one another in a round, a cycle, daily. We never really see how amazingly bright the moon and stars are until we are in darkness. I think we can be so focused on looking for the sun in the middle of the night that we are blinded to the beautiful lights of a lesser magnitude. It still shines and shows the way, but is not as bright as the sun. Should we forget that the lesser light can still lead? In moments of darkness we don't always see the sun, but instead we see stars. An unpolluted night sky is pretty magnificent! We want flashlights at night, but when you turn them off and look up, there is sufficient light! This light always leads us back to the warmth and light of the day's sun. Isn't that life? When we are in the dark we are lead back into the greater light of Christ by others with a lesser light.
When all Lucy wanted for Christmas was boy church clothes and crutches so she could be just like her friend who has spina bifida and walks with crutches, I could not deny her pure love of emulation for this boy. Some thought I was encouraging her "gender confusion", but as I saw the light she brought to this boy and his family, I just knew letting her do it was the right thing. She still takes her crutches to church to be like her friend. Our family and their family now have a special bond that was brought by Lucy, no one else. She brings light wherever she goes. She is still a child and has moments of intense temper, rudeness and irrational behavior, but would you put out the light of a child just because you don't understand them or agree with the way they are raised, or their differences? The light of Christ emanated brightly through her and Christ's countenance was clear in her own face. She showed the perfect love of Christ to this boy and his family. To a boy that struggles with being different and the family that cares for him, she said, "I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you........" as the primary song goes. She lifted their burden with simple pure love! She also just thinks crutches are cool, haha! I couldn't help but think of tiny Tim when he said he hoped people saw him at church to remind them it was Jesus who helped the lame to walk and the blind to see. Whenever I see Lucy with her crutches it's a reminder of her perfect love for her friend.
Finally, there is a ghost of the future. I have had much heartache when thinking about the future and the world we live in. My biggest fear for Lucy is that she will not find her self worth or that she will not be happy with who she is and how God made her. I worry about a lonely life for her, or a life with depression, or worse. We all worry about what the future will look like for our kids. I can also see a very bright future for her! Just like Scrooge, we can all change! Change is inevitable when we continue to learn and to grow! I can see her being a light to others, I can see her carry others' burdens in times of need. She has an old soul with wisdom beyond her years. She is very frustrated at being a kid. She wants to be treated like an adult as much as possible. She is very smart and insightful. I think that what makes her difficult now will, hopefully serve her well in the future!
She is our little light that we follow into the darkness, as our light guides the way from behind. She is a light that has cast a path to a whole new perspective for all of us. She is the reason I want to change. She is the reason I have changed and had a desire to be the change in the world I would like to see. The future heavily weighs on her choices, how we treat her and guide her. Kindness never hurts and one act can change the world for one person. It is usually through others that we feel God's love for us. This is an EXTRAORDINARY thing that helps our faith, it can help us understand God's love for each of us. Lucy has been my Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future this year as I have pondered the depths of my soul!
Cheers, to letting go, to shattering molds wherever they may be, and finally to stopping the forging cap factories within us and others! Others may want to forge the cap for others, but from here on out, it won't be forged by me!
I hope that ".........this Ghost Story of Christmas will pleasantly haunt your homes and hearts. May the "ghost of the idea" and profound lessons that lie within its pages forever be remembered! "- Charles Dickens
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