Broken Dreams and Healing Rain

With recent events, I have felt compelled to write about these very hard events in my life.  When I started writing this I did not realize Father's Day was coming up.  Maybe the irony of it all is inappropriate or maybe it is completely appropriate, only God knows.  I don't write this to hurt anyone, gossip, or shed negative light on anyone.  This is my life and this is the truth of what I lived.  The truth has a habit of eventually revealing itself!  These events have had huge influence on who I have become.  They are so intertwined in my very being that they have a pull on some of the everyday thoughts and decisions that I face!  If you are to understand what makes me tick, you must know these events.  The prompting to help someone, a wedding, and an invitation to a family reunion have stirred some emotions in me and made me realize that perhaps I have turned a corner, perhaps part of me is healed by the power of forgiveness.

As a small child I vividly remember approaching both of my parents every night and giving them hugs and kisses and saying "I love you".  I think I came to this earth with the desire to always be close to my family.  For some reason I can't explain, I always wanted a tight knit, loving, siblings being my best friends kind of family.  It just seemed ingrained in my very soul!  Somehow life seems insistent on never letting us reach what we most desire.  At least it sure feels that way sometimes.  Why can't I have the righteous desire of my heart?  Why does someone else's decisions have to thwart mine or take away something I'm reaching for?  Well I don't have all of the answers, if I did I would probably be a rich woman! Haha!  Well this family picture did not really happen for me when I wanted it to.  I know that no one has the "perfect" family, but with my family there seemed to be fewer good times among way too many bad times.  What I always hoped for was the opposite, a few bad times and more good times.  I love my family very much and I always will, but there has been a lot of pain shrouding us and blocking the light.  Some of you out there might know what I am talking about.

Somehow I always knew, deep down inside the deepest corners of my heart that my parents marriage was doomed for utter destruction.  It is possible that I am not completely right in my evaluations of my life's trials, but with a few of my talents being sharp memory, observant of fine details, and pretty good at analyzing, I might be on to something.  I always knew eventually it was coming, but other things came that unfortunately were unexpected. Growing up it seemed that I never could figure out my parents' relationship and I felt like I never really knew my Dad, or my Mom.  My Dad was a distant person he did not talk much about his childhood or his past.  I still have yet to see a wedding picture of my parents, although I have their prom picture in my possession.  That was always sad to me.  I grew up with the thoughts, "I don't think the person I know as my mother really is her true person".  Why?  I watched my mother always trying to fit the mold of what she thought my dad wanted.  I saw my dad never happy no matter what she did.  It always seemed that my Father expected my Mother to be his sole provider of happiness and if he wasn't happy it was always her fault.  She blamed herself for everything that went wrong even if it wasn't her fault.

I witnessed every time my Mom had something in her life that brought her joy, he had to somehow try to take it away.  There were threats of divorce about every 6 months at least, sometimes more often.  He threatened divorce if she did not give up a job or a calling that was taking up too much time.  My mother and I used to go to the movies together because he would never take her.  I think from my earliest memory they went to the movies maybe 3 times and it was only because they were movies he wanted to see.  My mother loves going to the theater to watch movies and so I became her weekly or monthly date to the movies.  Eventually my dad had something to say about that too.  I noticed that my mother was always willing to go on the hikes, camp outs, boat trips, and bike trips with him.  I think once in awhile they did something she wanted to do.  I'm not saying my mom was perfect in her marriage, but it seemed that she got the short end of stick more often than not.  In my eyes, she was not treated as a wife most of the time.  He blamed her for everything that went wrong, gave her sole responsibility for his happiness, and made jokes at her expense.  I even remember dinner being mocked on many occasions while we were eating. He was an expert at insults and saying cruel things, maybe that's how he dealt with anger.  He could act like nothing happened a few days later without a second thought.  In future fights he could pull out any incriminating details from the past he wanted like he was the only one aloud to do it.  I think some of this behavior was due to a long time bitterness he had with his own mother, he told me about on one occassion, which I thought was unmerited.  The bitterness grew into a superiority complex, in his mind women were not as valuable as men.  I have figured out that there are more people out there like this, I have worked with them.  I have referred to this behavior as Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde syndrome.

 Sometimes my mother would refuse to go on long boat trips because she wanted us to spend time with our dad and get to know him.  Those were the only times I ever had heart to hearts with my dad, maybe once per year.  I did get to know my dad, a little, and I loved him.  We had a pretty good relationship for awhile.

I was always surprised at how easy it was for him to just cut people out of his life if they did or said the wrong thing.  I had thoughts that one day that would be me.  Whenever I had trouble with a friend, his advice "cut them lose, you don't need them!"  Luckily I did not do that because my best friend since age 4 is still a pretty close friend and I couldn't imagine my life without her.  He was often times depressed and whenever my Mother mentioned getting some help he always turned it around and said she was the one that needed help for mental illness.

I could never figure out why he couldn't just admit that something might be wrong, go to the doctor, and possibly take a pill everyday, if it meant maybe saving his family and himself!  I know perscription meds can be dangerous and even change our very personality, but they can also give back who we really are if an illness is what is robbing us of our true self.  I took a pill everyday for a very long time because my hormones were messed up.  I remember beside all the pain I was in, I also said horrible things.  I told my sister her wedding dress was ugly right before she got married.  I knew there was something wrong.  I searched for help even enduring some healthcare providers accusing me of lying about being pregnant and making it all up just for attention.  My character was attacked on multiple occasions, and now I have white coat syndrome.  During my last pregnancy I was accused of lying about that too.  Taking my own blood pressure monitor to the doctors office and comparing readings did not even convince my provider, I was still a liar apparently!  Am I bound to meet every healthcare provider with bad bedside manner?  I guess so!

My closest friend recently found some notes we passed in class during high school when we were going through a rough patch and she asked in the note "what are you 40yrs old?"  Yep, that was about right, I acted like a 40 year old woman when I was 16.  Why?  Home life!  Much of the time when ever there was a fight, myself and one or two of my other siblings had to pick up the pieces.  We couldn't be normal kids sometimes.  One time I remember there was a huge fight and it was a Saturday, my oldest brother had recently returned from a mission and my sister was probably 19.  My mom told us to take my sister's car and go to St. George for the day so we did not have to be around the negativity that always came after these fights.  So we hopped in the car and drove to St. George and then my sister thought it would be better if we kept going on to Las Vegas, so we did!  This was one time I really felt closeness and camaraderie with my siblings and I actually felt like those kids from that movie On Our Own.  Four kids run away from the foster system to avoid being split up.  They take a road trip to find a long lost uncle to convince him to take them in.  Anyway we went to Vegas and I just remember staying close to my sister walking through Cesar's Palace and yes we couldn't resist pulling the arm of the slot machine just once!  I don't think mom and dad ever found out we did that, we did not tell them!  I did experiance closeness with each of my siblings at different times in our lives, and I always cherish those times.  Luckily I have grown close to my sister as we have grown older.

I remember a few times begging them to work things out, but that only works when both parties are willing to humble themselves.  It came to a point with the divorce threats that I actually started laughing at my parents every time and said "I'll believe it when it happens".  I became pretty bitter myself, thinking "if this is marriage, I want nothing to do with it!"  It wasn't until my sister got married and I saw their relationship that I reconsidered, but it was still a long road for me.  My sister and her husband have always been a great example to me in their relationship.  I allowed the spirit to teach me 3 times in Preparing for Eternal Marriage class at the Institute of Religion at SUU.  I finally came around to the desire to be married.  I am grateful for the hardship because it taught me exactly what I did not want and it was a good example of what not to do in marriage.  I could spot a controlling guy a mile away, which is one reason why I never made it past the first date many times.  It allowed me to figure out exactly what I wanted and I have a great man for a husband.  We have a very different marriage from that of my parents.

As the time approached for me to marry.  My dad insisted on taking the photos, but the night before my wedding I called home to see when they were all heading to Salt Lake.  My Mom said her and my brother were coming early in the morning and I said "And Dad?"  She said she did not know what he was doing.  He was supposed to take the pictures.  I talked to my dad as I sat in my car in the parking lot of my apartment building.  It did not go well.  He told me I was selfish for wanting him to come, even though he had 2 months notice and that he wasted his time 2 weeks earlier taking my bridal pictures.  I basically uninvited him and I was probably being over dramatic, as I am sometimes, but again deep down somewhere I knew this would happen.  We had hired another friend of my husband to also come and take pictures at the temple.  When I went into my apartment I was shell shocked and crying.  What do you know, that life long friend of mine called and talked my down from the crazy cloud I had just ascended!  She was not able to come due to her pregnancy, she was almost due.  When I spoke to my little brother he said, "it's ok Haley I will be there for you."  He was one of the witnesses to the temple sealing.

Later that night Jared, my husband came over, he just held me as I cried.  After he left I cried myself to sleep and I missed my alarm clock in the morning.  We were supposed to be at the temple at 7am for the sealing at 9am.  What was I thinking!?!  I'm a morning person and we needed enough time for pictures, the luncheon, and reception set up.  We did it all in one day, again WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!  I still don't know!  When I did wake up I still had enough time to get ready, luckily, but what a wedding day nightmare!  I did not look as good as I had hoped I would, but it was fine.  Jared picked me up in the morning to go to the temple and it happened to be raining! I LOVE RAIN!  It is one of my favorite things!  For some reason I just felt so calm, and at peace despite the horror of the night before.  I had this overwhelming feeling that Heavenly Father sent that rain to me, it was a new day, a fresh start and everything had been cleansed with the morning dewdrops!  A thought came to me as we were driving "Your Heavenly Father is here for you today."  I felt comforted.


My dad did show up and the awkwardness abounded!  It was the best day of my life and at the same time the worst day of my life!  I felt like I had lost one man I loved while gaining another, why couldn't I have both?  He did apologize at the reception for which I was grateful, but all day I was putting on a face while feeling like my heart had been ripped out!  The only man that has ever broken my heart over and over, my Father.  After that I had this wedding PTSD for, well maybe up until just last week.  I remember one wedding in particular we attended maybe a year after ours and I saw the bride dance with her Dad.  I broke down, I mean completely lost it.  I was watching and sobbing.  I had to leave.  I sobbed the rest of the night.  Why could this rough around the edges man dance so beautifully with his daughter at her wedding while I had to focus all of my energy just to smile at mine?  I had struggled at weddings and sometimes purposefully avoided them when I could.  Every wedding caused the heart ache to resurface.  I couldn't even bear to look at my wedding photos for about 2 years.  It was only about 4 months after my own wedding that my mother left my father.  She said she was scared of who she was becoming and what was to come if she stayed.  She felt darkness.

 This was a bitter sweet moment, finally!  I was glad she finally had the courage!  At this point my dad did not even want any of us to visit and he did not want my mom to leave to visit us, things were steadily worsening.  Once my younger brother left for the military, they would be all alone, empty nestors.  I can't blame my mom for being worried about what would happen.   The next year and a half was a fight.  Every time my phone rang I was worried that someone killed someone or someone killed themselves, things were that tense and crazy.  Every time someone called me there was more bad news.  I had to stop speaking to my dad because I was unable to mentally and emotionally handle it.  After promptly and abruptly telling me how horrible my mother was he minced no words in telling me I was just like her, when I said something he did not like.  He pressured us to choose sides and I just could not keep talking to him while having to go to work and still function.  I hope that one day he will understand why I did what I did.  It was a difficult time for all of us.  Whenever any of us ran into some one we knew in Cedar there was some new claim about what happened between my parents.  Did you know my mom ran away to Vegas to be a prostitute, Or that she had a thyroid problem?  She was also diagnosed as bipolar! Hahaha, these are all wrong!  This was one reason my mom decided to go live with my sister, she needed to leave that place behind!

There I was a newly married woman and a basket case!  I cried myself to sleep a great deal of the time.  When something triggered a memory or feeling I was in melt down mode.  I often times found myself in a bathroom stall at work crying over a triggered memory, it still happens on occassion.  It cast a cloud over the first few years of my marriage.  What was a husband to do with a wife like me?  Love me and that's what he did.  He just loved me through it every step of the way.  Sometimes I had to compartmentalize my life, be the happy, crazy in love newly wed.  Then there was the dramatic sad, frustrated, worried PTSD me.

I kept in touch with my dad in small ways over the following 3 or 4 years, but the hate he harbored for my mother and sister had me cutting things off.  I couldn't have a relationship with someone who harbored true hate for two other's that I loved.  I can say I know what true hate feels like and looks like.  The destruction left in the wake of this event was what I was not prepared for.  I thought it would still be possible to have a relationship with my dad, but that has proved to be impossible so far.  Maybe one day, there is always hope.  These past years have felt like I've lost my Father, but this loss came without the black dress, the funeral procession, eulogy, or grave side service.  I have literally mourned the loss of my Father, but in a different way.  He has changed as well.  He is a different person than I knew as my Father.  It is to be expected though, and I don't have any hard feelings toward that fact.  These events were life changing.  I just want everyone to have happiness.  That is all I have prayed for my entire life "whatever happens I just want them to be happy".   There is happiness, hope, and love in broken dreams.  I have gained unexpected relationships, hope, understanding and compassion for others.
  
Last week I attended a wedding and for the first time really enjoyed myself and the festivities since my own over 7 years ago!  Although the memories will always be present, the pain has subsided. It is said that "Time heals all wounds".  I think there is some truth to that.  Through all of this I have seen how losses can be made up.  I have many family and friends that have graciously and lovingly accepted the hugs I could not give to my Father these past years.  There has been change in everyone because of these events.  Thinking about seeing my dad again still makes me feel a little uneasy, but I know that I don't hate him and I think I would be able to talk to him again. Forgiveness is a hard thing, it has been a long road to get to this point.  I always remember the good times and I am forever thankful for the good dad that he was.  I can give him credit where credit is due.  He taught me so much and there are fond memories in the midst of all the bad ones.  I have to choose what I will focus on.  You can't always control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to things.  I still fight the DNA inside me everyday trying not to repeat the past, it is a daily struggle sometimes.  These experiances have given me a different perspective on life, have provided compassion and understanding when it comes to all sorts of family issues and mental illnesses.

If we are to believe in a loving God and an Atonement it is necessary for us to descend below to places we may not choose to go.  It is in those times of difficulty that Heavenly Father makes Himself known and we have the chance to taste of the power and healing of the Atonement.  I would not trade these times in my life because now I know God is real and works miracles.  I know there is power in forgiveness and healing does come eventually through the Atonement!