An Extroverted Introvert

When I was 5 years old, in Kindergarten, I came home with a report card that said "N in self control".  You could probably guess what the "N" meant, "Needs Improvement".  My sister has never let me live it down!  I mean, come on, who judges the self control of a 5 year old,  haha! I had 4 or 5 friends in my class, and we would talk and laugh and on occassion disrupt.  I always felt like an outsider when I was outside this little group of friends.  I had no desire to be social except with them.  In my mind I had no need for anymore friends, they were enough.

I have always been a very shy person and have never really been good at approaching people.  I'm not a huge fan of large groups and lots of people.  The mention of group projects at school or group lessons at church is always accompanied by an eye roll and a disappointing sigh.  Let's be honest, the phrase "we are going to split up into groups for this lesson", is code for "I didn't have time to plan the lesson, or I don't want to do all of the talking".  Don't worry, I don't mean this as an insult, I've been there as the teacher, and maybe this is not always true because I do see the benefit in group projects and lessons sometimes.  I've just always felt that in a group setting my thoughts and ideas are never fully developed and utilized.  I always feel that my best ideas and creativity come when I'm alone, in my quiet time.  I'm also more productive when I'm by myself.  For many people this is not true, but the opposite would be true.  Some people thrive on being in groups, around lots of people and always social.  I greatly value, cherish and look forward to, with every fiber of my being, my alone time.  How is it that I could be such a shy personality and an introvert, but such an extrovert that it earned me an "N" in self control???

I do enjoy my friends and family.  I can be very extroverted and even the life of the party when I am with people I am close to.  Introverts tend to be very extroverted with other introverts, ironically.  Sometimes extroverts love introverts and vice versa.  I do love having extroverted people around, they do make life interesting from my point of view.  Extroverts keep me talking, and I love that!  My husband is an extrovert and his ability to converse with people while getting across a sincere desire to know you, is why we worked so well at getting to know one another.  He, unlike me, can't handle being at home for very long, he has to get out and socialize or he goes crazy!  I have always had a difficult time opening up to people, but an extrovert is all I really need to bloom, they are experts at cracking open the book that is my life.  It's no surprise that some of my closest friends are extroverts.

One thing I have noticed throughout life is that often times introverts and extroverts don't understand one another.  In school I had many teachers express their concern about my shyness or lack of socializing.  Sometimes I had friends get offended at my desire to stay home rather than go out sometimes.  Really it was me being an introvert, not me having some kind of a problem with anything or anyone.  I always did what felt comfortable to me and what felt natural.  For introverts, their personality, sense of humor, and their heart are not usually something they just want to throw out there for all to see.  It is heavily guarded and their personality is like a gift they readily give when they decide you are trustworthy, it is only then that they may look more like an extrovert.  They carefully pick who they want to have friendships and relationships with.  Afterall not all introverts are shy, but prefer to be alone and have a need for alone time.  I am an introverted Mother raising a very extroverted child.  Most of the time it looks like she has better social skills than I have and she is 5 years old!  When I'm with her I often find myself in very uncomfortable situations and conversations, haha!

Just a few days ago my kids and I were at the bookstore for the story time event they hold every Saturday.  After it was over they went over to the train table and began playing with another little boy.  As I sat down on the floor the little boy's Dad was just sitting there watching and kept looking at me like he wanted to say something, like maybe he had this need for adult conversation, haha.  I just sat there awkwardly silent.  Before I knew it my daughter had taken over the care of his 6 month old daughter who was sitting calmly in the car seat.  The baby was on her lap in a flash and she was asking him for all of the baby's stats.  Okay, so, then I had to talk to him.  We ended up chasing our kids around the store and talking about what our kids had in common.  It ended up being a very pleasant experience.  It made me wonder how often I deny myself of pleasant conversations like that with others because it is so hard for me to start conversations sometimes. It's not that I don't know how, but it's that maybe I don't have anything to say.  It made me grateful for my extroverted children who get me into these situations and help break the ice for me, haha!

In my experiance it seems that society wants everyone to be an extrovert and introverts are viewed as "there is something wrong with them".  More than half of the learning done at school revolves around activities that promote and encourage extroverted personality traits.  If we don't socialize to the standards of society, then we are considered socially inept.  Having the ability to socialize and having the desire to socialize are two different things.  Truthfully these extroverted environments do not help introverts reach their potential.  This is a great talk on the subject.
https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts/discussion?nolanguage=en%C2%A0%C2%A0

A coworker of mine told me once that in an effort to understand his coworkers he asked them to take a personality test called 16 personalities.  He was very casual about the way he did this. He would just bring it up in conversation and talk about how cool it was and then later he would ask if they had taken it.  When people told him the results he would go and read their personality profile.  It gave him some insight into who they were and how best to work with them.  It is a lengthy test, but worth it.  It is a pretty detailed, in depth analyzation of one's way of thinking.  My profile came up as The Consul, it fits me very well, but it does say that I am an extrovert.  That was the most surprising and interesting part.  I thought deeply back on my high school and college years and how I was back then.  Although I was not really popular, everyone knew me and I knew them on some level.  I then realized that I can be quite social and have been many times in my life.  The term Ambivert is an actual thing, haha!  I think the 16 personalities test can really help people understand themselves and others better.  If you are having trouble understanding yourself or someone else you should make use of this resource.https://www.16personalities.com

So what's the point of it all?  A little understanding goes A LONG WAY!  I wish that we could change the standard of socializing all together.  I wish we could, more often, approach others with an attitude of understanding rather than judgement.  Instead of socializing just being about talking and working together on a project it could be "I want to understand what makes you tick, and how you think, and why.

So......who do you need to understand better???