"Let Not Thy Heart Be Troubled"

I have taken a little break from writing because as you all probably know and feel, the world crumbling around us as of late.  I have had many emotions, frustrations and even anger!  I have had a very difficult time processing everything that has been said, done and everything that has been going on.  I have dealt with my own personal losses and have been trying to dig my way out of this very deep, dark hole I have been thrust in, that we have all been thrust in.  Just like the moon peers through the dark night or the clouds split allowing light to flood through, I too have felt a flooding in of Christ's light and love.  I have seen a lighthouse directing my storm driven path.  Even the storm driven path, no matter how uncertain, can be guided by light.

After three and a half years of healing from the many anxieties and even personal issues I have had with health care providers, doctors, child birth, etc, getting my body to a healthy place, being able to finally get sleep at night, and finally in a good financial position, I discovered I was at a point where I could have another baby.  I started getting my hopes up and thinking of names and planning to be pregnant in the next couple of months.  Well those next couple of months were March, April, May.  When everything went crazy in March and things continued to worsen in April, I felt the spirit tell me to wait.  Anxiety returned when thinking what it would be like to be pregnant during this craziness.  For many, it may not be a big deal, but for me it would be an absolute stressful nightmare, bring on the heart attack or stroke,

no kidding!  I felt extremely saddened by this, but had hope things would get better, but no, they didn't.  During this time both of my kids kept asking "when are we going to have another baby?"  This has broken my heart a few times, but I still have hope.  My son started recognizing things in our house that are for babies and I've had to answer his many curious questions about where babies come from.  Things worsened with my hours being cut at work, and not to mention the job my husband left mid March, talk of famines and earthquakes, food shortage and "the new normal", my family decided we needed to prepare our food storage better.  After taking careful inventory and knowing exactly how many calories we would need per person for a year, we came up short.  Much of our saved up money was going toward extra supplies and food storage.  

I have felt some exclusion in my LDS community for my situation, being a full time working mom!  I know there are many right there with me in the same boat, but there are many who are not. I feel that this has caused misunderstandings and has been a barrier to our abilities to relate to one another.  My income primarily supports my family and my husband does work very hard and provides the needed supplement to that income.  When I want to have a baby I have to save up medical expenses and 3-4 months living expenses before the bundle of joy arrives.  I don't get sick leave, but I do have great insurance benefits and short term disability which makes up a good chunk.  When I choose to use a midwife and birthing center the bill turns out to be about the same as if I were to go to a hospital.  The insurance covers more for the hospital, but the midwife is so much cheaper being a fraction of the cost of the hospital.  However the midwife has to be paid in full before the birth of the baby.

  My husband has been trying very hard to successfully support our family.  He has had many ideas and applied for many jobs, we have prayed in earnest for about 7 years, but nothing has worked out.  I thought for awhile that maybe things weren't working because I didn't pray enough for my husband or had enough faith in him, so I started praying more for him and believing in him more.  I've heard so many people testify about having a righteous desire and praying and then it just happens.  Although I do believe in those miracles, it has not happened for us.  As my husband prays for more work or better paying jobs I keep getting raises and bonuses at my job, no kidding!  I feel that some have this idea that if you desire something righteous and do what God wants, then you will just get it!  Well it's easier said than done.  No one wants to talk about God's timing, haha!  We are too quick to forget that Jacob worked 7 years to marry Rachel, but instead got Leah, so he worked another 7 years for Rachel.  Yeah.......so my family is Jacob!  Maybe the miracle lies in the hard work and the humbling growth that comes out of the circumstance that breaks the mold.  For this mold is not an easy one to break! 

Anyone out there wondering why we don't fit the cookie cutter LDS mold, it is not necessarily by choice.  I used to see it as ideal and I think it is something we have always wanted, but maybe Heavenly Father is going to keep it from us for awhile so we can learn and discover more about life and ourselves, or maybe it is not as ideal as we think it is.  At least for me, I think working makes me a better parent in a lot of ways.  I can tell you that through personal revelation God has informed me that I would be a working mom for a time.  I don't think it was coincidence that God told me to get through school instead of serve a mission or that this amazing job I have sort of fell into my lap finals week during my last semester of school and the blessings have not ceased!  I have worked with people at my company that applied for years before they had an offer.  I have known people trying to get a job at my company for years and they never had a job offer.  A job at the company I work for does not simply fall into one's lap.

When I met my husband I was preparing to live my life as a single lady.  My mom always pushed me to be independent and take care of myself.  I always wanted that too.  Heavenly Father had his way of always providing for me though.  I have always had money when I have needed it.  I worked for Convergys telemarketing company when I was in college and one semester I had to quit because they changed the call center into Singular wireless customer service.  This required a lot of extra training and time that I could not do because of my full school schedule.  I did not live at home at the time, so besides school bills, I had rent and other bills to pay.  I was really nervous about being able to find a new job that would work well with my school schedule.  Just so happened at that very moment a counselor in my bishopric at church was the manager of a hotel and was looking for someone to hire to fill the graveyard position.  He heard I was looking for a job and hired me immediately.  I then ended up with 2 more job offers shortly after that.  I was able to manage working 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs and school!  I still don't know how I managed to accomplish this, but I did.  It seems to me that whenever I spend money on myself and feel guilty about it because maybe I should have spent it on something I needed or saved it instead, I find that the money is always there to meet my needs. I end up with a bonus or a raise or I find money I didn't know I had.  I think Heavenly Father cares about my wants too because He has provided for many of those as well.  I have had a recurring experience at the gas pump, especially when gas prices were above $3 and $4 a gallon.  I would always fill up at a half tank and I knew how much a half tank would be, many times $30-$35.  It did not make sense, but my car would end up taking $15-$20 instead of the usual $30-$35.  I know saving $15-$20 might not seem like much, but for a struggling college student it was a lot.  It has even happened in more recent years, it truly is a little miracle.  I may fail to see it if I don't pay attention to changing gas prices or how many gallons my car takes, and no my gas gauge wasn't broken, haha!  Even if there is some explanation for it that does make sense, I believe it is a blessing from God!

When I lost a significant amount of money to a scammer, I was so embarrassed and distraught.  While praying about it I heard a voice tell me" The money will come back to you!"  Yes I was alone, and no I don't normally hear voices, but this voice was as if someone were standing right next to me talking.  A month later I received a 5% increase in my pay due to a market adjustment that my company did for all employees.  A few months after that I received another 3% raise.  God is real and does provide, but sometimes it's not in the way that we think.

Over the past few months I have felt quite a bit of anxiety, worry, and uncertainty about the future, whether or not my family will expand, sadness, frustration and even anger.  Right before George Floyd was killed by police a little birdie told me that someone at work spread a rumor about me being a racist.  Yes, this added to my frustration and anger.  I kept thinking of ways I could handle this situation.  If I really wanted to I could probably get this person fired.  Of course I felt even worse when the next day George Floyd was murdered and all hell broke loose with violent riots.  What perfect timing to find out that I was a racist at work according to this person.  This person is someone I have never really talked to much, someone who I don't even know and this person clearly knows nothing about me, so there really is no basis for this claim.  This person has been known to make things up about people and make fun of people.  I would consider myself very anti-racist.  Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a racist.  Instead of getting this person fired I thought I would rather enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that this person has to see me everyday and know that I have lost all respect for them.  I thought about lashing out at this person, confronting them, my mind even went so far as giving a presentation in department meeting about how I'm not a racist!  I thought about posting up signs about this person's "fake news"! Haha!! It probably would not matter though.  Of course when praying about how to handle this, the words "let it go"repeatedly came into my mind and then I had Elsa's anthem stuck in my head all day, haha!  Truth is, I don't think I would feel better if this person were fired and dealing with this at work would just be more stress that I don't need right now!

I notice I have been feeling really angry lately and yesterday I decided to listen to a talk about the signs of the times.  Surprisingly and unexpectedly I felt peace and comfort.  I realized that I had missed some of the signs that have been fulfilled.  There were also many that I have not heard of that have yet to be fulfilled.  Suddenly the angry, worried, and anxious perspective was directed to the right path resulting in a bit of a changed perspective.  Not entirely changed, but the feelings about my worry and anxiety changed.  Just like the sun peaking through the dark clouds of a storm so did the light of Christ peak through the storm of my life.  I then realized the importance of the signs of our times are, but that the signs of God's hand in our own lives are just as important!  

So why all of these tid-bits of testimony and little stories about money?  I read an article a few days ago that talked about how Satan is probably very happy and proud of his followers and handy work.

 https://www.thuswesee.com/2020/06/the-devil-is-a-proud-papa/?fbclid=IwAR1VerXckKYT7l-WkltbTeX1iOJytlTEST-j9GunBz8PFVnk9D9Ghmdct7M He is the father of chaos, confrontation, hate and anger.  It seems so easy to get caught up in the hype, the anger, the confrontation of it all and be a part of the chaos, but a still small voice pleads for us to just "let it go" and says "Let not thy heart be troubled".  Thinking about these times while I have been so concerned about the world has brought peace to my heart and this is how I know that God is still in charge.  No matter what happens in our world Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know of our existence and if we care about something then so do they.  Christ settled the debate about who matters when He gave His life for all so that we can repent and rise up with Him, be resurrected and judged according to our works.  All of these little experiences have humbled me and let me know He is aware of me, and He cares.  If I let Him, He will guide and direct my paths, for He is the light of the world!

"When you choose to follow Christ, you choose to be changed.  The Lord works from the inside out.  The world works from the outside in.  The world would take people out of the slums.  Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums.  The world would mold men by changing their environment.  Christ changes men, who then change their environment.  The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature."- Ezra Taft Benson