35 First Dates

 "It is universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife"-Jane Austen

"A ladies imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment."- Jane Austen

"Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love now and again."-Jane Austen

Yes, there are "plenty of fish in the sea", and "you will have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the one that turns into a prince"!  "You only need one guy, the right one", "it only takes one man to get to marriage".............common phrases told to the young girl whose becoming an old maid, or a spinster!

My response......"I date, I date lots of guys.......yeah.......ALL THE WRONG ONES!"

Okay, well how do you get to the right one without sifting through at least a few of the wrong ones?  It's a game we all must play, some seem like they are good at it, but is that really true?  Can you be "good" at the dating game?  Sure you can have more dates than someone else, you can be smooth and charming.  Some are better at flirting than others, but does that really determine if you find love any faster?  We all know someone who is not married yet, and we wonder, "how are they not married yet?" Is attraction really about what someone looks like, or is it about what someone smells like?  Pheromones........my pheromones were not the right ones for many and vice versa.  Then there is the situation of being attracted to someone until you actually talk to them, yeah we probably all know what that's like!  I think women are more forgiving here.  Many times women may not be attracted to someone, but then when you get to know them they slowly become more attractive over time.  Many men like to have the attraction up front, at least this has been my experience many times.  This is how we are wired and it's different, which is okay!

In reminiscing about the past with a coworker she asked me about my dating life before marriage.  She got me thinking and if I remember correctly I have had a total of 35 first dates before I met MY person!  Now that I think about it, dating kind of felt like this prison where you are sitting there slowly marking the passing of each day with a tally mark......."still not getting out today".  With dating it's the same, you mark every passing date with a tally mark on the wall......."that's number 401 for the books and still no love"-followed by a sad sigh, a cheesy rom-com and some ice cream.  How do I possibly remember every first date?  Well, trust me most of them were very memorable, haha!  Many of these experiences still haunt me, many are fond memories that left me with good friends, and many are just pure hilarity!  After all there is always a little pride and a little prejudice in dating and relationships!  Some of you might be right in the thick of the dating scene, some might be married and happy to be passed that stage, like me.  Some of you might be caught in the "wrong school of fish", like I was for so long.  So much of my dating life I felt as if I was the "horse in a field of unicorns", in other words I stuck out like a sore thumb and was far from fitting in.  There were some young men that tried hard to make me feel like I fit in, but I just didn't.  

There were many dates with childhood friends and other friends in high school.  I felt comfortable dating all of my male friends in high school as long as nothing went down a serious pathway.  I was not really into that back then.  In college I was also comfortable dating friends, but I found that the southern Utah male mentality was that "girls only wanted marriage and every inquiry, date, or crush was to be taken seriously, over-analyzed, and judgement passed so as to protect yourself from the crazy M-R-S hunters!"  Funny thing is most of Southern Utah University consisted of many young girls and many older men and they always found each other!  It appeared to me that many men did not want a wife, but a teenager they could finish raising, haha!!  There were a few occasions that I felt like a piece of meat and the young adult activities and firesides in my church were nothing more than a "meet market", or "meat market" much of the time.  I dated a few men that were close to ten years older than me, which would have been fine, only at the age of eighteen or nineteen it felt, not quite right!  A couple of times I even felt like I was on a date with my dad or older brother.

One of my closest friends in high school asked me to write to him while serving his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I thought it kind of random since he had a girlfriend at the time, but maybe he wanted more people to write to him, so I did.  I wrote to him as a friend and did not expect anything to happen when he returned.  A few weeks before arriving home he emailed me saying he thought we should date.  I was flattered, surprised, and thought it would never work, we argued too much most of the time, haha!  This time of my life was also very chaotic, full time school, working 3 jobs, show choir, etc.  I felt like a bit of a mess!  When he came home we went out about 3 times, and a month had passed, before he confessed to meeting another missionary on his flight home and had been driving to Northern Utah to see her.  The way it came up was very strange, I remember we were talking on the phone and it was around Valentine's day.  I think I asked him if he wanted to do anything for Valentine's and suddenly everything was all twilight zone!  He actually said he was going out with his Mom.  Okay, so if that were really true and not an excuse, it was cool, but we could still go out after that, right?  I got it, there was no easy way to tell the truth.  I think he may have been afraid of my reaction and I don't think he wanted to hurt me.  How do you tell someone you want to date them and then someone else waltzes into your life that feels right and then you have dump the long time friend/girlfriend suddenly, and around Valentine's Day!  I guess I was more disappointed, that after many years of friendship he didn't feel he could be more direct with me, than feeling bad that things would not work out between us.  After deciding to open my heart to the potential and possibility of a relationship it was a little hard to have it dashed so quickly.  It's always hard when someone says they want to be with you and then find someone else they would rather be with.  I don't think it would have worked anyway especially with where I was at in my life at the time.  I was definitely not looking for marriage.  Truthfully I was over it pretty quick, I was too busy to dwell on it too long. I think he was engaged about a month or two later!  Good for him!  I met her once and I wished them all the best!  It was all worth it because it turns out, its a great story to tell!!!

Have you ever been on a date with someone who did not speak to you the entire time?  I have, I'm not sure I could even consider it a date.  It was a set up and a group date with two of my close friends.  Lucky for me it was a group date, that made it less uncomfortable.  Then there was another set up that was a fun date, but we were completely not suited for each other romantically.  Then there was the setup where the guy wanted to make something happen, but I was not feeling it.  I felt a lot of pressure from people around me to date this guy because he was very good looking, he was a firefighter, had that whole back-woodsy, lumberjack look going on.  Yes, very manly! I kept hearing "he's interested", "he likes you", like it was so shocking, "go for it", "you're not getting any younger or more beautiful!"  Yep just jump at the first handsome, capable man that is interested because you might not get another chance at getting a man like that!  What if I didn't like said handsome, strong, capable, lumberjack, manly man?  Anyone think to ask me how I felt?  Haha!  What if I wanted a suit, or skater boy, or an overly sensitive artist?  Not saying I did want any of those, but what if I did?  Who am I kidding, I did not have a clue or a preference of what I wanted.  If you were a man and I thought you were nice, handsome, and I could be myself around you, then there was a pretty good chance I would have liked you!  

This was happening at a very busy, crazy time in my life and I was not ready for serious relationships yet!  He seemed nice enough, but on our date he somehow felt the need to justify why he did not go to church anymore.  He clearly wanted a "good church girl", but he did not want to be that himself.  It's always been interesting to me, how some men want the good girl, but don't want to be good themselves.  Don't you think that the good church going person will want someone who is equally good?  And if they do what's wrong with that?  Why should they have to settle for the lower level and marry down just because you want to marry up?  Well the peanut gallery advisors in my life decided that it was my job to re activate him, as if I didn't already have enough going on in my life.  So, unbeknownst to me, this guy was so incredibly irresistible and there was no chance of me finding something better, or someone I wanted that I had to hold on...........and..........CHANGE......HIM!  Anyone out there like to change your partner?  I'm all for people changing, if they want, but let me sum this up in 3 words......NOT WORTH IT!  Somehow I had to let him down easy, but the repeated phone calls and even demanding tone he took with me was an even greater red flag screaming at me to run away.  I eventually had no issue with just ignoring him.  

There was the date that reminded me that its okay to say NO sometimes and that I should have done

just that in the beginning.  A neighbor, who was dating my roommate, had this roommate that expressed interest in me.  When he asked my neighbor for my number he told him that I wouldn't go out with him, that I was too good for him.  Well to his surprise, I said yes, I must have been desperate at the time, or I just believed that a date was just a date and there was no harm in saying yes just once.  Well, we went to dinner and he talked almost the entire time.  By that I mean, not that he just talked, but that ALL of the skeletons were out of the closet!  He abruptly poured out his soul about his divorce and son, telling me that his son was always number one and that I would never come before his son.  "Wait, we just met, right?" This was not something to talk about on the first date with someone you just met.  On the way home he asked me to stay at his place to watch a movie and I remember feeling a slight panic in my soul.  I wanted to say no, but I did not want to be rude, this guy was turning out to be unpredictable, in a bad way.  So initially I just said we'll see and made up some excuse that might get me out of it.  Of course I was a little afraid this guy was going to do something less than noble.  As I said a prayer in my heart, my roommate and his roommate opened the front door to their house and wanted to hang out with us.  This was a moment when I had never felt so relieved!  Yes, I was officially traumatized after this dating experience.  About a week later this guy told my roommate that he was going to marry me, haha!  I did not know whether to classify him as crazy, or desperate.  When I came down with a nasty flu and spent a week at my parents house, he called me and accused me of avoiding him.  The conversation quickly began to feel like I was on some white trash talk show.....hello Jerry Springer!  "Wait.......last time I checked we were not in a relationship!"  When he asked me out again I said, "No".  The next time I went to his house with friends to watch The Village, he was clearly having a pity party.  Side note: The Village has the worst ending of any movie I have ever seen!   Anyway this guy was trying to compliment me every chance he got, which furthered his creeper score on my radar and made him look more desperate.  He finally left me alone after awhile.

Have I had a Facebook stalker? Yes, yes, I have! This guy was someone I knew a little since I went to college with him and he would always come into the biology office, where I worked at the University, to talk to me.  It wasn't until I moved to Salt Lake City that he finally asked me for a date.  He had also moved back up to the Wasatch area and he always wanted to talk on Facebook.  He started messaging me a lot.  I went to dinner with him and after that he was always commenting on everything I posted on Facebook and started inviting me to spend holidays with his family.  "Wait.....I was not an orphan, I spent many holidays with my own family!"  A little too forward for me.  So, Again, I found myself in the predicament of embracing avoidance after saying no to another date and he did not get it!  I eventually had to dump his Facebook friendship because after avoiding him and saying no he would say passive aggressive things on my posts that suggested he was trying to make me feel guilty, haha! 

There was this other guy I kind of liked in my Criminal Justice class, we ended up in the same church ward the following year.  I invited him to a University formal dance and he showed up in street clothes to pick me up.  Well if that wasn't the most cumbersome, embarrassing moment at the door standing there in my formal dress and he in his t-shirt and jeans.  He was pretty embarrassed, he somehow had no idea it was a formal dance, even though we had gone to dinner and then went home to CHANGE for the FORMAL DANCE!  It was funny, after he changed, we had a laugh and a nice time.  We remained friends for some time after that!

There was the guy I sort of fell for while working at the forest service as a seasonal employee.  He was really cute and 8 years older than me and for a little while he was interested in me too.  I spent many long summer days with him traipsing around the forest, so we got to know each other very well.  We became great friends.  The more entertaining part of this story was the other girl we worked with who had worked with him in the past. You probably guessed it..........she was in love with him.  Many times I saved him from awkward situations and lightened the intensity of her mood at times.  Apparently, they had history and had already discussed their feelings for one another, but here she was again trying to convince him she was the girl for him.  She only listened to Lifehouse whenever I was paired with her on our work days.  Lifehouse always reminds me of her and that summer!  Well, we ended up going out once and it was great.  I thought it really might go somewhere after finding out that he had inquired a lot about me to one of our mutual friends, but then when I expressed interest in going out again a few weeks later he was in a relationship with someone else, go figure.  I have to admit that was kind of a hard one to get passed.  In hindsight, I realize that whole summer was like a really, Really, REALLY bad Hallmark movie!

When working as an EFY counselor (Especially for Youth church program) I caught someone's eye.  We went out and had a pretty good time until the doorstep moment when we hugged and he literally did not let go, no, seriously........followed by the ambush of a second date, not just a date, but he practically wanted to plan the whole thing out right there.  A little too enthusiastic!  That doesn't leave a girl wanting for anything, there is no mystery.  At the end of a date let the girl wonder if you're going to call again or just hint at maybe getting together again, or you could text her later to just talk and get a feel for it.  Then there was a date where I made things awkward!  This guy was in a singles ward of mine, I went to church with him.  I happened to get some tickets to the Utah symphony and ended up asking him.  This guy was very handsome and pretty muscular, he looked good, you could say he was out of my league.  Yes, once upon a time I had the courage to ask out the guy that was way out of my league, he was Prince Charming and I was Cinderella, metaphorically speaking.  He was a nice guy, but every time I went to a party or saw him at an activity the girls were falling all over him and asking him to flex his big muscles and often times he would indulge them.......show off!  So, at one point in the date I asked him to flex, haha, just being like all the other girls that hung around him!  I guess I was trying to be funny in a very spontaneous way.  Not my best idea, but I have a feeling that if I were in better shape at that time, or considered "hot", I might have gotten a different reaction!  Maybe that is shallow of me, but sometimes even the nicest people are shallow!  So this story did not end with a glass slipper, a pumpkin carriage and a Happily Ever After.

There was a few other guys I went to church with that I dated, some good, some bad.  One guy was

really nice, but I hate to say it, he was boooorrrrriiiinnnnnggggg!  We did enjoy country swing dancing together, but that was it, we had nothing more to talk about.  He was a middle school math teacher and there was nothing wrong with that, but that was all he talked about.  How many interesting conversations can you have about middle school math?  Trust me, I found out, the answer is about one or two, then I wanted to bang my head against the wall.......and I LIKE MATH!  After I said no to a third date the guy acted like I totally broke his heart.  Maybe I did, but it's hard to believe that you can be broken-hearted after 2 dates.  With another guy I had an interesting breakfast date.  It was fine for a first date, but he was one of those guys who had very high expectations for someone he wanted to marry.  The kind of guy who would judge you for watching anything but the BYU channel.  Not too long after I was deemed unacceptable he found a lady who looked exactly like him, but with dark hair who was the perfect match, it was interesting.  Another guy I hung out with a few times was super ambitious and really upbeat.  He was so nice, handsome, and I would have had no problem dating him more, but I think he was just having fun dating a lot of girls until his ex-girlfriend came back into his life.  Sad story, she was super jealous and he was too nice.  I think he really loved her. He ended up marrying her and she nearly ruined his life, they are divorced now, but he is doing well now, from what I can tell.  

"Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies"- Jane Austen

There were those dates where other friends were involved.  There was a guy I really liked in college, temporarily, but my friend thought she would tell him I liked him, it was weird.  He was super nice,but it did not take long to figure out he was one of those super judgemental guys. We WERE friends for quite some time and I never had intentions of trying to push it further.  I asked him out once, he was going to be out of town for a friend's wedding.  He ended up coming home early just for me, which was really sweet, we went to the dance and had a great time.  After my friend told him I liked him she tried to set us up with this game night date and it was kind of awkward, then he started avoiding me after that.  There were a few times when a friend of mine liked the guy who was going to ask me out........yeah that made for some awkward situations.  One friend did set me up with a guy I really liked, but right after our date some younger, new girl went to his house for some reason and they were serious really fast........you guessed it, they got married!  So it seems, I dated someone else's husband quite often.  That is the game though, right?  

Well after all of these lovely fairy tales...........you do realize many or our beloved fairy tales come from very gruesome and horrifying original stories?........ Love did find me in downtown Salt Lake City Studio 600.  I thought he was just another guy I'd have some embarrassing moment with and he thought I was just another girl he would try to go out with for the sake of getting out on a date.  Neither of us ever dreamed that we would make a connection and get married.  The way we met, in the LDS world, is the equivalent of meeting someone at a bar in the real world.  Who meets someone in a bar and marries them?  No one I know, but maybe they are out there!  You generally don't go out for a night of dancing and expect to meet "The One".  Well we didn't know it at the time, but at the time I thought he was crazy and declined giving him my phone number on his first inquiry!  Somehow he got it out of me later though. He thought I was borderline too big for him.  I guess you could say he was a little prideful and I was a little prejudice!  We were both a little shallow too.  Upon meeting him for our first date, my first thought really was, "wow, he looked better in the dark!"  He looked really good the night we met, but our first date was picking rotten tomatoes for the Labor day family party tomato fight.  He looked like he literally dressed in the dark.  His first thought that day was, "oh she is kind of cute!"  We did fall in love, or maybe I should say we sort of slowly walked down the path of love, or worked our way in love.  Truthfully I don't really like the term "fall in love", is it really an accurate representation?  I mean, it sounds nice and blissful, but not everything about it, is that.  I think Jane Austen got it right with Pride and Prejudice!  Not everyone falls in love, there is a certain amount of work and effort that goes into it, then you let the pieces fall where they will.  If those pieces seem to fall effortlessly or fairly easy, then I think it usually works out, you worked your way in love.  If you feel like you have to fight hard to be in love or force those pieces to fall where you want them, then maybe it's not love.  Love should be work, but enjoyable, fairly easy work, not hard labor where you are suffocating.

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well.  The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense."- Jane Austen

TO ALL THE BOYS I EVER DATED......

A little cynicism in the above quote, but many times this is what dating experiences left me with.  Although it was hard at times, I'm grateful for all of these dating experiences!  If nothing else, they make great stories!  Those who make bad decisions always have the best stories, except most of these stories were not the result of bad decisions.......maybe a few were!  This is how I know God has a sense of humor, haha!  Through it all I found what I wanted and what I didn't want, what I liked and didn't like, and learned about how to have a good relationship.  All of these dates prepared me for my person!  Isn't that what dating is all about?  No matter how much or how little dating experience you have, it is all preparing us for when we walk the path of love.  We should be grateful for all our previous dates/relationships because they do seem to give us some perspective as we reflect on the past and into the future.  So to all of those who I dated, Thank you!  Whether it was good or bad, you did me a service and played a little memorable role in my life.  If we are still friends, then maybe sharing in these memories will give you a laugh. If we are not, well thanks for the good story that make others in my life laugh!  Thanks for the great memories and stories!  Thank you for taking a part in my life and leading me to find myself and what I wanted!  Thank you for the good and bad influences that taught me important life lessons.

Now think of a good dating story and share it with someone!