The Art of Accepting

I was a horrible little child, when I was a child, at least that's what I was always told and I do remember being pretty bad sometimes.  I was emotional, dramatic, mean, controlling, and stopped at nothing to get my way!  Often times I think I was misunderstood and struggled to communicate.  My poor parents did not know what to do with me.  It was, in part, 3rd child syndrome, haha!  What does that even mean????  I don't know!  I don't blame my parents for handling my issues the way they did, but sometimes I wonder if they had responded differently, that maybe I would have too.  I love and respect my parents and I know they did the best they could at the time!  I owe a lot to them and am so grateful to them!  They had a big role in helping me become who I am! I remember, just to calm me down from a tantrum or over emotion, my Mom would take me to the bathroom and close the door, and sit me on the toilet.  My older siblings thought it was my last day on earth whenever this happened.  Sometimes my mom would start out calm and then end up just screaming at me by the end.  Sometimes she would be so angry with me that she would just yell at me to stop screaming!  I would respond by throwing up because my body couldn't handle any more emotional over load.  Sometimes my mom would just plead for me to stop.  I always thought I deserved some of my punishments, I was not very nice!  Looks like we survived those bathroom talks after all!

My parents used to go for a drive on Sunday afternoons and my little brother and I would beg them not to go for fear of what the older siblings had in store for us.  They were not so nice to us and enjoyed playing jokes on us or making fun of us, it was never pleasant.  On one of these dreadful afternoons I was fighting with my sister, or something of that nature and I ended up locked out of the house.  It was spring or summer so our doors were always open (we didn't have air conditioner and lived in a hundred year old pioneer house).  So the screen door was what my siblings locked.  For some reason they were quite shocked when my fist went through one of the square panels of glass on the screen door and suddenly blood was everywhere!  I still don't know why my fist going through the glass never occurred to them as a possible outcome of my rage at being locked out!  They knew who I was, they knew what a monster I could be!  I only had 2 little cuts on my hand, but the blood was gushing!  My sister was frantic, she had my fist under the water in the bathroom and my brother went to get the neighbors.  I was fine.  After the neighbors ( my best friends parents) studied the situation and deemed us to be okay we all calmed down.  Then we realized that Mom and Dad were going to kill us!  Well somehow we all survived that day, but the parents were pretty mad, we all got an ear full, well deserved I suppose!  

I can honestly say........"I am a good parent, the best parent!  I know what my kids want, I can keep them happy,  I can take their cues and help them.  I am intuitive and I have a special bond....parenting is not that bad!"  Of course these thoughts were in the past........in the time before my kids could TALK!  We could probably all make the claim that we were the best parents before we had kids, or before our kids walked and talked!  Since becoming a parent myself, I honestly have had a tough time figuring things out!  My first born daughter is just like I was.  She has the best heart of anyone I know, but is super emotional and over dramatic!  I guess I'm getting my comeuppance!  Something my mom always said to me "I can't wait till you get one just like you, then you'll understand!!"  Yeah that's about right, I do understand now!  I know she is my child for a reason!  She has a heart of gold, but the rage of a tempest, the reasoning and manipulation skills of a politician (I know it scares me), the stashing, negotiation skills, and sharing skills of my sister, the tact of a.......well she has no tact......or shame (despite everything I think I have taught her), the listening skills of most men, the whining skills of a disgruntled princess, and the bull headedness of......you guessed it.....her parents!!  There is probably more I could add to that, but I won't! Let me be clear about something before moving on..........my sister, I have great admiration for and sometimes wish I was more like her in some ways.  If anyone's going to survive an apocalypse it's her.........and Lucy!  They are alike and tough as nails!  If anyone will take care of me in my old age, its probably Lucy!  They are both very generous when the situation calls for it!  I have a tough time keeping it together when the power goes out for longer than an hour, haha!  When I say Lucy is like my sister......that is not an insult by any means, but it is hard to raise and teach those personality traits! Haha!  

Here are some examples:  we were at a baby shower last summer and my daughter has been obsessed with drinking Coke, don't know why, we don't buy it or drink it at our house.  There was a cooler full of Coke and Lucy was sitting on it, the mother of the soon to be mom came over and asked if she could get a coke, my daughter then said"you know, you really shouldn't drink that stuff it's bad for you!"  As she is holding an open can of coke in her hand!!!!  A few weeks later she was helping my neighbor bring her groceries into her house and Lucy spotted the case of diet coke, she said "Brook you really need to go easy on the diet coke!"  She responded with a laugh and said"well....it is diet!"  Then there was the time I heard a really loud bang in her room followed by screaming bloody murder, with no end!  I was in the bathroom so I hurry out because honestly I thought somehow she had tipped the book shelf on top of her!  No, she was throwing her toys around looking for a specific one and couldn't find it.  This warranted the non stop screaming and tears as if she were dying!  Then she was arguing with me about money one time, probably because she wanted me to buy her something, she proceeded to tell me how she pays the mortgage and all of the bills, haha!  This conversation got so ridiculous that I started to tease just a little, but I also wanted answers!  I asked her how she made her money and when she said nothing I just couldn't help picturing her pushing an ice cream cart down the street or a wagon full of beanie babies, haha!  So I said, "what is it you do? sell ice cream on the street or peddle the beanie babies?"  This was followed by hysterical laughter!  Her mood lightened and we both laughed about it!  

I ask myself sometimes "What did I do to get such a difficult child?"  Well the answer always comes quick, I have flashbacks to my bathroom talks with my mom, you know the ones when my siblings thought they'd never see me again? Yeah those!  The truth is, children don't want to be bad and they are not inherently horrible.  They are not trying to give you a hard time, but are probably having a hard time.  I think it's safe to say that I've never met another child quite like mine before, except me! This is why I'm her mom! I can understand things about her that others cannot.  I can see things about her that others can't see.  Maybe I'm the best person to help her in this life.  Maybe I'm the only one that can truly accept her for who she is.  Isn't that how it is for all parents out there?  There is a reason they are your kids! 

I often find myself falling into the parenting habits of my parents, although this is not always a bad
thing, I also realize it's not always the best thing.  I think back to my childhood times and the things I struggled with as a kid and the way my parents handled me.  If what they did didn't really work, then why am I doing that with my kid?  It's a valid question.  My bad behavior stopped temporarily out of fear of getting spanked, yelled at or grounded.  Did that teach me respect? Not really.  Many people would say that their kids have respect because they spanked them!  I grew to respect my parents and others with time, connections, and growing to love and care for them.  We learn a lot of our social cues from our peers, parents, and others around us, but usually manners, respect and appropriate behavior come with growth and maturity too.  I think back to those pre teen years and ask "did I really respect my parents?"  The answer is no, I just didn't want to experience their wrath.  Did I even understand the full scope of respect at that time? No.  We must remember that there is a lot that kids don't understand, and won't for awhile.  Is it fair to hold them to the adult understanding of things?  No it isn't!

I get accused of trying to be my daughter's best friend or that I don't discipline enough.  Well, I wouldn't say I try to be her best friend, I am her parent first, but why can't I also be a friend to her?  Is there any harm in that?  Some might say yes, "you will lose your authoritarian position",  oh right.........I didn't know parenting was a dictatorship! As soon as you start down a dictatorial path with your kids, you send the message that their concerns, likes, dislikes, and interests are unimportant and only adults, specifically parents, matter. I would say I consciously try not to be her enemy because I want her to trust me and I want her to feel loved.  I want my kids to be comfortable coming to me when they need help, or for anything.  Do kids trust their parents when they are constantly punished or yelled at for things they don't fully understand?  I would say no, it does the opposite, it erodes their trust in you!  I'm guilty of this though and it's something I have to work really hard at.  Knee jerk reactions are so easy to let slip.  We all do it, I'm sure!  

My husband took our daughter to the store a few years ago where she saw some candy that she wanted, so she took it and hid it in her pocket.   She knew dad would say no and not buy her the candy.  He discovered it on the way home and as you know, had the knee jerk reaction.  He got mad at her and probably treated her like a criminal.  "Oh my goodness my child is a thief, I'm raising a criminal!"  Well you know, he can be dramatic and overreact!  He should have been an actor, seriously!   Looking back, I realize, I don't think she knew she was stealing, or that she meant to not pay for the candy.  We hadn't talked to her about that yet, specifically.  I think sometimes we assume they should know because we go to the store and checkout and pay for stuff, "don't they know the drill"?   In her mind she was hiding it from dad because she knew he didn't want her to have it.  Well, she learned about stealing that day! I'm fairly confident I will mess my kids up in some way and that I already have in some ways.  I see some of the damage I've already done and am working on correcting it.  My daughter does have trust issues with us sometimes.  

Some people have made suggestions to me that sound like "I need to just stuff her into a mold and make her into something that will make me happy."  In a way I have already made this mistake and quickly realized it's outcome is not worth it.   She has always been contrary and stubborn.  When she could talk she just refused for about 3 months to say a word.  When I knew she could crawl, I saw her do it, it was like she would just rock back and forth staring into my soul and laughing, haha.  She refused to crawl for a few more months.  When she was almost 4 she refused to give up her bottle, I had tried everything for months, even a sippy cup that looked like a bottle, haha, pointless, right?  Finally I said "okay if you want the bottle, fine,  but that means you are a baby again and mommy gets to pick out your clothes and......" Wait what????? "She bored into my soul like little kids do and said "YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR!!" and that was that, the bottle was no more!

Myles is so kind hearted, patient, sweet, thoughtful, full of energy, opposite of Lucy in almost every

way, haha, this is not meant to sound insulting to Lucy.  He has a mean streak too.  One time right after his bath, he was mad at me for some reason.  He was just screaming at me, letting me have it, he was only wearing his pullup, veins popping out of his forehead and neck and I just started laughing at him and couldn't stop. Bad parenting on my part, probably, but I swear to this day he was a dead ringer for golem from Lord of The Rings in that very moment.  Myles is a perpetual people pleaser, overly sensitive, and Lucy takes advantage of him.  So here we have some opposite problems.  He loves girl super heroes and he likes to play in makeup and be like Mom.  He likes dolls and girl toys and wanted to learn ballet!  He dresses up sometimes and has a great imagination when he plays.  He has the emergent play thing down!  I love to watch him play.  Other people start to get worried or disturbed, as if this is my doing, "why does he like to wear dresses and play with girl toys?"  People worry, then I remember he's 4 and plays with girls most of the time.  He is 5 now and has started to change a little. He is also just like any other rambunctious tough boy and enjoys wrestling with Dad and teasing his sister!  He always takes flowers to his girlfriends, me and even Lucy's karate instructor.  I do realize that what I have described in my kids is not rare, but applies to many kids out there.

So, as my daughter obsesses about not wearing dresses, video games, music, age, and being an adult, my son is dancing around the house in a dress with a wand pretending to be a fairy with powers that has to stop the evil witch, I sometimes feel....confused, and I think, why?  Then I throw my hands up and say " I'm going to work!  I don't know what you all are doin!" I have wondered so many times, "is this normal???"   I have met other parents that get it because they have dealt with similar situations, then I meet others that stand there and say, "oh good luck with that I hope they don't turn out gay!"   It's pretty sad!  One lady I met said about my daughter and her boy fetish "oh that's right you don't send them to public school, that's too bad, that's how your kids learn to conform to the norm, good luck!"  Then I thought "do I want my kids to succumb to peer pressures and be something they are not?"  No, I don't think so.  I think of that lady and feel kind of bad for her.  

I think we forget too easily that kids are kids and they are learning and their brains are not developed all that much.  How do you tell a 4 year old boy he can't play with dolls or like pink or dance because boys don't do that?  Would he be able to comprehend that?  No.  I love watching my kids interact with other kids.  Lucy is losing teeth right now and every time she meets a new kid about her age she is all about comparing how many teeth have been lost!  It's so funny because the other kids totally get it and get so excited that another kid was interested in their lost teeth!  They are a different species and they understand each other. We have to remember that they are still people too and that their agency matters, that they matter. They are often times concerned with play time, how long, and how many kids.  "Play time is the work of kids", as Mister Rogers put it.  I have no doubt my kids will do great things someday! 

I love the question "so, what's your parenting style?" .......uh, WHAT THE #$%*! Uhhh.....SURVIVAL!  MAKE SURE EVERYONE'S STILL ALIVE AT THE END OF THE DAY!  What kind of question is that!??!!  I have no idea what my parenting style would be because I've tried them all!  I have been floundering for 7 years trying to figure out my kids and my so called, "parenting style"!  I've taken advice from many people, some has been good advice and some has been bad!  I also love how that question comes from the seemingly perfect parent that has everything figured out, that looks so perfect on social media, like nothing ever goes wrong, haha!  I want to ask them, "so how do think you are going to screw up your kids?"  COME ON, CAN WE BE REAL HERE??? None of us are perfect parents!  Could we stop talking about our parenting style and just be good humans?  I have a theory that the people who are concerned with "parenting style" are the ones that really haven't figured things out yet and are insecure, or they are some crazy perfectionist that had every second of every day planned out!  Haha! Can we just all treat each other kindly?  Just raise your kids to be good people the best way you know how!  Let's be honest every kid is different and has different needs!!  

Several months ago I was talking with another homeschool Mom and she seemed so calm, content, soft spoken, super organized and just seemed to me, to be such a perfect Mom.  She told me one thing she really wanted to work on that week was yelling less at her kids and swearing less!  She said "do you want to try a no swear challenge with me this week?"  I was kind of blown away!  I did not expect that at all!  I kind of laughed because for a second I thought she was kidding, I couldn't imagine her ever swearing, haha! I said, "sure why not".  I did not think this would be too hard because I didn't swear that much.  For some reason that week was such a challenge, I think I swore and yelled more that week than I had ever!  I was relieved and grateful to find out that another mom whom I looked up to had struggles and was not perfect!

A very wise and amazing friend of mine gave a talk in church recently and she said she is always praying for her kids to change or to do what she wants them to do, but then realized she was praying for the wrong thing.  She gained the wisdom to then pray to be able to accept her children better instead of pray for them to do what she wanted.  I love that so much!  We all want to be accepted for who we are.  Our children have the right to be accepted by their parents don't they?

Things I've learned and advice I would give:

Simply talking to your kids always has a better outcome than yelling or being punitive.  I have read a book and taken a course called "How To Stop Yelling At Your Kids."  I wish I could say it completely changed me and now I never yell, but that would be a lie......BUT it did HELP me a lot!  I still have papers hanging around my house reminding me of methods and mantras!  It's a great book and course to go through to begin your journey to change and create new habits!  I hope to master this in time, but I'm not perfect!  As you can see Lucy gave me an F a couple of times while tracking my yelling for me.

Your kids want to connect with you, in fact they are desperate to.  If your connection to them is in good standing, they will trust you, be more likely to listen and obey.  If they don't establish that connection with you, then they will establish it with their peers instead.  The book: Hold on to your kids, why parents need to matter more than peers has helped me so much!  I highly recommend it to every parent out there! 

The moment when you don't think your child deserves your love or attention is when they need it the most.  Sometimes when your child acts out its your fault as the parent, sorry to say.  I can see the things I've done wrong that have resulted in my kids acting out.  If you think your kids are manipulating you, chances are you are right, they are, but mostly due to lack of a better way to communicate.  They don't have a malicious intent, their brains cannot form mens rea, just remember that.

You cannot, and should not, control what your kids like or dislike.  Putting them into a mold is wrong.  Let them explore and figure things out for themselves, you can give them a little freedom in this.

If you ever feel like your kids are weird or that something is not "normal", chances are it's more normal than you think!  Don't confine your thinking into a box!  Stop thinking, " Well this is how I was or wasn't raised!"  You are an adult now and you are allowed to think outside the box and adjust your parenting according to what the child needs!  You are a parent, so be an adult!

Kids are humans too and also deserve respect!  We must respect children's rights to explore, do things for themselves, ask for help, and most importantly allow them to feel.  All of their feelings are okay, the fact that they cannot regulate them is okay too.  Ask yourself, do you ever feel angry or sad?  Do you ever have a melt down?  Do you struggle with regulating the things you feel?  If yes, then why do you expect your kids to be in control if you yourself struggle as an adult?  

Don't assume stupid things!  You all know what assuming does right?  It makes an ASS out of U and ME!  Just because your daughter dresses like a boy, likes skateboards and video games, won't wear a dress, or your son likes dolls, pink, dancing, and dresses does not mean they are going to grow up to be gay or transgender!  If you are seriously concerned about it, well aren't you in the same boat as the parent that thinks their kid can and should make a gender choice at the age of 5?   Kids don't know anything of the sort.  Both sides need to stop sexualizing kids in this way.  They have not hit puberty yet, and like my daughter, their understanding of this is very juvenile, based on very juvenile things, like "I want to be like my friend, talk like them, dress like them."  For heaven's sake a child could want to be a dragon, dog, monkey, boy, girl, mom, or scientist all in the same day or they could want to be a unicorn for 3 months, who knows!  Don't take everything they say so seriously.  Especially anything of a gender bias nature!  Kids are innocent and have a right to their innocence for as long as possible.  I do have to teach my daughter about what's appropriate and she still even resists it sometimes because she does not understand it.  I will admit I have been the concerned parent before, but usually only when other people tell me they are worried.  There have been so many times the same thought has come to my mind, " it's only a big deal if YOU make it a big deal."  So I try not to make it a big deal any more, but I still get frustrated at times!

Be honest with your kids, they can handle it.  They will trust and appreciate you for it.  Don't make

them feel bad for their curiosity just because it makes you uncomfortable. Just because you are uncomfortable doesn't mean it's dangerous! Curiosity is their very nature as they grow and develop.  When they ask where babies come from you don't have to make up some story about a stork, honestly tell them, you don't have to tell the details of making a baby, but tell them the truth. If you don't think they are ready for those details then tell them that truth.  It's okay to say that you will tell them when they are a little older, you decide.  When my son was 3 and 4 years old he did not give me much privacy, haha!  A while ago he asked me why I peed blood?  Well, I told him!  I gave him a watered down simple lesson about menstruation.  I told him that mommies have eggs in their body and every month one gets released and causes some blood.  The next month when he saw the blood again, he looked at me a little confused and we went over this little lesson again.  I could see the wheels turning in his little mind and he said, "so .....your......egg........didn't......hatch......this...... month?"  Hahaha! I was dying I couldn't stop laughing, partly because his smart juvenile mind made that connection to chickens, and partly because of the way he said it, so curious, a little confused, but sweet and honest.  He was right, sort of, then he asked me questions about the eggs that hatch vs. the eggs that don't, like the ones we eat! Whenever your kids ask you these questions and you're not sure how to answer, you can never go wrong with a farm analogy!

Don't put conditions on your love!  For those that have thought or said some remark about having a gay kid...............just ask yourself..... If your kid grows up and is gay, commits a crime, leaves the church, gets addicted to drugs, marries outside their faith, or disagrees with you on politics, should you withdraw your love?   You could if you want, but would it be less of a sin than their sin?  Maybe just a different sin.  We must accept the fact that our kids grow up to be just people.  We are all human, we are all children of God!  We will all have different trials, different minds, different experiences, and different temptations that will contribute to our thinking, our mistakes, and ultimately the person we become.  Why should someone else's temptations and mistakes in life be less acceptable than yours? Yes, I get it, some sins are worse than others, but we are ALL worthy of redemption and love!  What really matters is how we treat each other!   The very moment you start thinking your spouse or child needs to change, is the exact moment that you probably need to change.  Maintain the connection as much as you possibly can!  I have found more success in maintaining a connection with my daughter when I deviate from the "how I was raised" mentality.   When I have been full of anger and force myself to love her more, we have a breakthrough.  The answer is, sometimes she just needs more love!  

 I will say this with a disclaimer:  we all probably need to work on accepting people for who they are.  Why is our love so conditional?  Now here's the disclaimer, I'm not saying we should in any way accept abuse of any kind.  If someone has abusive behavior towards you, you do not have to accept it.  There are times you have to leave behind the toxicity of an abusive person. It is in these moments we must exercise dignity, faith and love in ourselves more than in the abusive individual. It is not selfish to do this.  As soon as you know you cannot help the abusive person to change, then sometimes the only choice is to leave and save ourselves.

If you feel like children should come with a manual, then you are not alone!  When you become a parent your eyes are opened to a whole new heaven......and hell!! I think we are privileged to see a glimpse into both worlds.  I think ultimately it's more heaven than hell, but there are moments........part of the hell is when you wake up to all the mistakes you've made. Remember, kids often times mimic their parent in many ways.  You are their guide and they take their cues from you.  I remember after the first time I said Damn in front of my son, who was 2 or 3 at the time, I witnessed him attempting to put on his boots with frustration. He kept saying over and over "I can't get these DAMN boots on!"  I try not to swear, but that made me laugh.......a lot......okay so maybe I was laughing uncontrolably at his cute, sweet little voice say "these damn boots"! They are watching you.....ALWAYS WATCHING YOU!

I have GOOD NEWS for those who wish for a manual! The good news is that there is sort of a handbook or manual!  It starts with 3 things, LOVE, CONNECTION, AND ACCEPTANCE!  

Don't shut out love no matter how tempting it might be.  Chances are, this temptation is driven by anger.  Keep in mind that its not enough to just love them, they must KNOW that we love them and FEEL that we love them.  These are 2 different things and are often confused or assumed.  Remember that word assume is not acceptable in many instances, this word means trouble.  You can't assume your kids assume you love them!  It takes more effort to make sure they know it and feel it!!  An email landed in my inbox this morning from the author of How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids.  She suggests writing a love note to each of your children everyday for a week.  "I love you because......." She calls this the love bomb challenge!  I recently did something like this when I was thinking about how I could show more love to my kids during work weeks when I'm gone. I bought each of my kids a special box and I left each of them a note every morning that expressed my love for them.  They loved it!  They have kept all their notes and when I missed a day they were disappointed and asked me why they didn't get a note in their box!  

Always connect and maintain the connection at all cost even if you feel like you are being disrespected

or "losing the upper hand".  I've discovered that the art of parenting requires a lot of humility, so go make some humble pie.......maybe make lots of extra to leave in the freezer for future dates!  You're gonna need it!  This is a very hard thing to do and is impossible to achieve all the time, you will fail, but you can always fix it!  The word "sorry" has been a close friend of mine!

Lastly, acceptance is truly an art.  To accept something or someone we must face our perception, bias, or tendency and recognize that it could be wrong or that we might need to change.  To accept is to change and this is hard because it doesn't require someone or something else to change, but requires the metamorphosis to occur within ourselves. Accept your kids for who they are (within healthy boundaries, of course), remember the golden rule, teach them the golden rule.  Support your kids as much as you can.  This can be hard when you have different beliefs or views, but a good relationship can be maintained, it is possible.  

Well.....in conclusion.......I'm still learning and I could quite possibly be wrong about some of this!  If it feels like it's an experiment, then you're on the right track.......it absolutely is!  With every kid being different and no owners manuals are sent out, it is up to you to trial and error, produce results, and come to conclusions!  Good luck in writing your own manual to the art of parenting and the art of accepting!