This last week while at work I was talking with a coworker and dear friend.......Yajaira, as we often do! The conversation turned to things of a spiritual nature and religious routines and so forth. We both admitted that we wanted to teach our families the gospel better and read our scriptures more, etc. We talked about the different ways we and our spouses grew up in and out of our church. We discussed the difficulties we find in ourselves to keep up and be perfect, or close to perfect, haha, yeah right! With all the "perfection" out there...........or supposed perfection due to social media and the Utah LDS cultural expectation, sometimes I wonder.........does this expectation really exist or do we just think it does??? So often I think it's our own misconception that creates the expectation. We want to be good..........we want to be perfect..........we want to be worthy, however, we forget that worthiness is not the same as perfection!
I told Yajaira of my effort to read the Friend church magazine to my kids as they practice their writing, or my efforts to get some scripture time mingled in with our homeschool. It's never ideal or perfect and sometimes it's just 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there. I am trying...........what is it Yoda says? Ah yes, "try not! Do or do not, there is no try" Good advice for a jedi, but have you ever been a parent, yoda? "Try" can be and is often significant!
The conversation rolled toward talk of spiritual experiences and how we learn spiritual things best, individually. We pointed out that if you read scriptures everyday, then great, good for you, you are following the letter of the law! I'm not saying to not read the scriptures, but the point I want to make is that if you are not prepared to ponder or you are not in the right mindset then you will simply read words on the page and get little or nothing out of it. To be completely honest, reading scriptures everyday is not easy or fun for me and is the last thing I want to do most days. I read scriptures everyday from the time I was 13 to the time I was 26 or 27, I rarely missed a day. I can say that was a good habit to have even if I did not get much out of it some days, but I can also say it was not THE ONLY thing that kept me safe, or kept me doing the RIGHT THING. There were a lot of other LITTLE THINGS I did on a daily basis that really mattered and probably made more of a difference for me personally, which contributed to swaying me to do RIGHT things. It became harder after having kids to keep up the habit. I can listen to book commentaries on scriptures, conference talks or even church music ALL DAY long and I thoroughly enjoy it and I feel like I have been taught and have learned equitably as if I had studied the scriptures. Studying scripture is still important and I believe it's vital that we understand them and apply them. I'm like a little kid in this way, I must be slightly entertained............if I just sit and read it does not always keep my attention, but if I watch a movie, someone tells me a story, I have a discussion with someone, or I listen to a talk that is full of personal experience, my attention is caught! I have discovered that when my attention is caught by the entertainment factor "hook line and sinker", it in turn inspires scripture to come to mind, or a desire rises in me to "feast upon the word". Either way, I still have spiritual experiences and my prayers are still answered even though I don't read every day, conventionally. When something makes me want to delve into scripture, then that is good and my love for the scriptures increases. I know that the spirit speaks to me much of the time through music and that is the best way I learn spiritual things, or feel the spirit the most.
This little discussion lead to more personal spiritual experiences and my friend recited a story of her recent past when she prayed for an opportunity to serve someone. She was driving downtown and saw an older lady at the bus stop waiting and she had this feeling to pull over and tell the woman to get in her car and she would take her to where she needed to go. She did this and the woman got in her car and my friend drove her home. Since then this woman has texted my friend for rides once in awhile. Yajaira learned that this woman was from Peru and lived 2 miles from work and had no car and often took the bus. My friend told me how she had felt so good that she listened to the prompting to stop and help. She then started to tell me how there are always opportunities to serve others all around us, but we are pretty selfish! I don't know how many times I'm telling my kids that we have more than most, but often I wished I had a bigger house, nicer yard, another car, or something like that! It's true we are, by nature, selfish and it takes effort to look outside of ourselves to see how we can serve. I believe that when we achieve this, it puts things into perspective. It's only when we look outside of ourselves to help someone else that true gratitude and love become evident. When I say "love" I don't just mean love for others, but love for ourselves too..........................
Then, an experience of my recent past popped into my mind! As I reminisced on this event, I realized something, I had an epiphany...............the very retelling of this story was a spiritual experience. Right before Christmas 2021 I was driving to my routine chiropractor appointment to be, pushed, pulled, and needled in order to keep headaches to a minimum. I was recently thinking a lot about the homeless population, as I usually do at this time of year. I usually make a few small donations to the homeless shelter during the year, yeah, I know, it's not much, but it's one way I like to try to give back and a cause I like to support. I rarely carry cash with me these days, like most of you, probably. I was on my way off of the I-215 highway headed toward State Street when I got this weird, random reminder that I had cash in my wallet and something told me to get it out. I reached into my bag and grabbed my wallet and sat it on my lap. As I came to the light I saw an old man off to the side of the road. Judging by his clothes and sign, he was a veteran. He looked legit. When I say this I mean he looked like he really needed help. I'm always skeptical of panhandlers and always have been, so I tend to not be as generous to this crowd. It's funny, I distinctly remember thinking before reaching the exit that I needed to carry more cash to give to panhandlers when I really found one that I felt needed my money more than I. So, the light at the end of the exit happened to have just turned red, so I had some time. As soon as I saw him I had the thought "give him all the cash you have", so I rolled down my window and waved. I reached into my wallet and handed him about $10, 1 $5 and 5 $1s. He seemed so surprised! I looked him in the eye and said, "This is all I have. I'm sorry, it's not much, I wish I had more to give." He looked at me with a tear and surprised glint in his eye and said "Oh, that is so generous, it's more than enough, thank you so much, Merry Christmas." He sat back down in his spot looking at me with gratitude in his smile and waved me goodbye as the light changed. I felt so enveloped in his gratitude in that moment and felt a little awe struck as to how that all took place. The train of thoughts before pulling off the exit, reaching for my wallet before I even saw him, and what he said, "it's enough"!
After retelling this event, I pondered on it for awhile and thought how it could be applied to all of our efforts in life. I never thought the simple words of this story would come back to................well.....LOVE me! I felt God's love in the man's simple words "IT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH" as those words resounded in my mind after our little story time. Lately, I have been really discouraged with life, parenting, teaching the gospel to my kids................the imagery of treading water to keep your head up comes to mind. Feelings of failure creep in when everything gets frustrating. I don't expect perfection and I strive daily to NOT be one of those people constantly comparing myself to the "fake" perfect that is out there. I spend a lot of time on my own personal well being to keep my sanity. Things are never perfect, but when it feels like I'm in a downward spiral sort of thing, I feel like I'm failing. When I'm trying to be better, but it never seems like it's enough. Sometimes those feelings can be overwhelming. We all have them though, it's part of our human nature and maybe our spiritual nature too. Just last night I was thinking about how I've always wanted 4-5 children and how I always thought I'd be good at having lots of children. Then I thought, "maybe I can't handle it, maybe I'm not cut out for having more!" These thoughts came as my daughter was inconsolable when she learned I'd deleted a game off of my phone that she had apparently completed several levels in and would have to start all over again! I know its kind of ridiculous, but childhood tantrums usually are. She was tired, for sure, but it made me so frustrated! At this moment I felt like I was falling down a hole with no end at the bottom!
It's interesting to me that the very words I found for this man at that time were "this is all I have, I'm sorry it's not much, I wish it were more", his response being overwhelming gratitude for my thought and effort, "it's enough". It hit me.........whatever efforts you are making to strive, stay the course, be better, they are enough and they don't go uncounted, even if it feels like they do! I choose to believe and I feel that God was telling me he loved me in the moment of my retelling and pondering this story. The words this man and I shared seemed little at the time, not a big deal, and although I felt really good about this good deed, I also felt it was a little thing. Now, after this past week, that event will be branded in my mind as a pretty special moment when the little thing became a big message to me later...........even a message from heaven. The words I spoke to this man are familiar to me. How many times have I signed, sealed, and delivered these words to heaven through prayer or thought them in my own mind? "This is all I can do right now", "This is all I have, it's not much, I wish I had more." The answer to my pleadings and insecurities came from the homeless veteran who accepted my prompted service months ago. How profound this was to me! I am often Wowed! by the profound workings of heaven with "little things". Another phrase that often comes to mind is "if you have eyes to see..........what heaven sees in you". Funny this lyric comes to me from a song called What Heaven Sees in You. Song lyrics are often answers to my prayers or inspired promptings. I am thankful I had eyes to see this story in a different light and to hear the reassuring words of heaven to my heart and mind "it's enough".
This Valentine's Day I'm here to reassure you that you are enough! YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH for this world, for your family, for Heaven! I hope this Valentine's you not only feel the love of your loved ones, but also the love of God and of Heaven!
"Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." -Alma 37:6
"...... Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." -Matthew 25:40
God Bless!
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