Super Moms
A few years ago, I was Gung-ho about the idea of having more children.......but now I've changed........and yes, we are all aloud to change.......and I've come to realize that I'm not superhuman, or super mom, and that I simply cannot do it all! I've observed something, and even been guilty of it myself, that many women in my church suffer from. It's a result of our pressured religious culture where there exists some unwritten expectation that, somewhere, in sometime, from many impressions given, was born. What I want to say today addresses toxic positivity. Women can do everything and anything, right? We are great, we are amazing, nothing can stop us! "We can all have 5 kids, all with names derived from the Bible and Book of Mormon, with spellings that don't make sense, look like a yoga instructor, be a gourmet chef, always have a clean house, keep up appearances on social media, have a perfect fairy tale marriage, and all of our kids are over achievers, of course!" I'm about to get realistic on you! I'm pretty sure this does not just exist in my head. Is it time yet to face reality and admit we can't do it all.....and we don't have to feel guilty about it?.........NEWSFLASH.......I'm not perfect, I can't do everything! I'm not superhuman, I'm human......and you know what? I'm okay with that.
I have nothing against having kids, or even having lots of kids! I always wanted 5, and I'm now realizing my life is not going to turn out how I thought! Turns out I'm not as good at raising kids as I thought I might be. Parenting is so much harder than I ever thought it would be! I may have more kids, I may not, at this point I'm not sure. The one thing that is sure though, is that I've become more concerned with being a good parent and my best self, rather than taking a "cheaper by the dozen" approach. If you are one of those women who can handle lots of kids and stay on top of everything, without completely losing your mind.........great, more power to you! I'll admire you forever! Not all of us are like that though, and I'm here to say that it's okay! I've thought about what many well-meaning people have said to me over the years, "kids are always a good idea", "you'll be blessed for having them", "it always works out", "God will work miracles for you"........okay, okay, although I can believe all of that and have faith in that, I also must step back and observe a few things. These women are not me and don't have the same weaknesses I do, or the same feelings and trials.
Then comes the law commercial "Do you believe you were misled by invisible, unrealistic expectations? You might be eligible to receive compensation for overdoing it unnecessarily, or for feelings of guilt! Call us today!"
Alright, if you got through that nonsense, good for you.......I'm halfway joking, but I'm serious too, this is a serious thing I think many women need to realize and face. Nearly 1 in 5 women in Utah use antidepressants. In the year 2000, Utah had the highest antidepressant use of any other state. I'm not saying it's all due to this one type of guilt in women, but there's a good chance that has something to do with it. Other statistics with regard to living the LDS principled life are good, in general. It can be good overall for mental health and good family life, but there is a problem that needs to be addressed.........toxic positivity, mostly among women, to live a perfect life and to be the perfect super mom!! I do realize that some of this expectation exists in my own mind, but I bring it up because it's not just me. I have had many conversations with women inside and outside the church who have felt pressures to have big families or live the perfect life and be a super mom. That expectation got there somehow; I highly doubt it was completely my own doing. I have heard comments like, "oh, you just have the 2", or "you only have 2 kids........are you going to have more?" Although these comments are well intentioned and not meant to hurt or judge, I think here in Utah it is just expected and it's maybe not so common to ONLY have 1 or 2 kids.
I've discovered that I don't want to go through the motions of getting married and having kids, I think I want a little more. I'm not saying that is what most people do, but that mentality surely exists. Baby factory turns on and that's the only purpose and baby factory stays on without much more thought. I believe that my most important purpose in this life is that of motherhood, but I also believe I have other purposes. I want to find out who God wants me to be, I want to be better. I don't just want to be a mom, but I want to be my best self! I would rather be the best mom I can be to 2 children than be a tired, run down, frustrated, mentally ill mom to 5 children. I don't want to give up my health and happiness just to have more kids and I don't think that's God's expectation. This might be a good time to remind the reader that I'm not criticizing anyone, the above description is who I see myself becoming if I don't stop and really think it through first. The times when I mess up and have bad mom moments are usually the times when my needs are lacking, lack of sleep, good eating habits, or not having any restful time.
opportunity to have more kids, but maybe there's a time and a place. Not everyone can do the same things at the same level. You can't hold 100 very different people to the same expectation all the time, everyone is different and are at different places on the faith spectrum. You can't expect the fish to spread its wings and fly, or the bird to sprout its fins and swim. That sounds nonsensical because it is, kind of.........To my surprise while trying to find pictures for this blog post I found there are such things as swimming birds and flying fish. I should have known! I am a biologist! haha! Okay so my analogy backfired, sort of, you get the idea and maybe some of us are not of those species, haha!
Church leaders say it is up to you and your spouse to decide about kids. I don't think I've ever heard a leader of the church say anything about more kids equals more blessings or heard them condemning small families. We do hear them talk about, and even brag about all the great children and grandchildren they have. We also hear much about how having children is the most important thing we can do and that fulfilling those roles as parents is a duty and responsibility that is greater than anything else in this life...........and I'm not here to disagree or dispute that. We then forget about the church leaders who have smaller families and we hyper focus on the size of family and we interpret what the leaders of the church say as "we all need to have big families even at the expense of our overall health". This is the unrealistic expectation I'm talking about. We can place the expectation on ourselves too by looking around and seeing that most people have 4 kids then we feel like we should do the same. If you're doing that, STOP ✋️!
The greatest thing I'll ever be is a Mother! Next time you see a mom with 1 kid or 5 kids, don't judge, rejoice in the fact that she became a mother and is finding joy in her posterity! Can a parent find as much joy in 2 children as they can in 5? I think so, joy isn't measured by the number of children we have, but maybe some people really believe that. I wonder if maybe some of us are missing the point in the church, maybe it's not all about having as many kids as possible. I would never take advantage of or abuse the ability to have children. I know what it's like to face the prospect of not having the ability to have children. I was told that I might not be able to have children when I was a teenager. Before I was married, I dealt with the prospect that there were no prospects for me........."please God is there anyone in this world I could be happy marrying???" I hold the bearing of children as a sacred privilege, duty, and responsibility. Let's be honest, being a parent changes us whether we have 1 kid, 5 kids, 10 kids or 15 kids. The choice truly is between you, your spouse and your God. Maybe this isn't the only reason people have children. It breaks my heart to hear women talk about having more children just to distract them from an unhappy marriage.
I believe God knows what I need to hear. It's been fascinating to me as I've been carrying this guilt or trial, we've studied the Old Testament in Come Follow Me this year. I've learned so much and I've found unlikely answers to my guilt and prayers. "It only takes one, or a few" are the words that have so frequently crossed my mind during this study and ponder. Abraham was promised a posterity that would number the sands of the sea and the stars in the heavens, but his true love, most favored wife was baron for many years. Abraham might have thought that he was going to have tons of kids, I mean they did live for hundreds of years, think of the many kids he could have had in that time! Abraham had other wives and he did have children through them as well, which also fulfilled the covenant. For Sarah, his favored wife, was she to be left without opportunity to be part of fulfilling this great covenant and would she miss out on blessings because she was unable to bear children? I would imagine she felt some guilt or despair. She finally had a son, Isaac, and it was through him that many of the promises, and blessings of God's people flowed. Isaac and his wife had similar problems, not having children for a time. Isaac had a son, Jacob, who ended up with many wives, after having to marry Leah, the sister of the woman he worked hard to marry in the first place, Rachel. Then, after his favored wife, Rachel, could not bear children, there ensued a contest between handmaids of the wives, which then became wives to bear children........and we witness the birth of the soap opera! This produced many children and the 12 tribes of Israel. The lineage from which Christ came, was through Israel, which was part of the covenant. For this part of the Abrahamic covenant to be fulfilled and its blessings to begin to flow, it only took the seed of one wife and one child. These stories have brought comfort I didn't know I needed, and it was unexpected that I'd find this particular comfort here. Sometimes I have wondered if God would condemn me or be unhappy with me if I didn't have more children. I just don't think I can do it all. I'm not sure I can be a good mother to more than what I have. It's not that I don't want more, but it seems close to impossible for me to handle it in my current circumstance. Can a fullness of joy be brought to me by way of my 2 children.......or must I have 4? The Abrahamic covenant promised blessings to all of Abraham's seed and those adopted into it, aka, those willing to live the gospel. It is for all families and the blessings are available to all who obey the laws and ordinances of the gospel.
I think for those even in the Old Testament there was much emphasis on following God, being obedient and enduring well. Having families was only part of it. God showed that He did not need to provide Abraham and Sarah with many children in order to fulfill the promised blessing. It was a trial of their faith. To have many children in a time when many children was acceptable and even normal for many, they were met with some struggle. Abraham was a great prophet and became great not because he had many children, but because he gave his heart to God. Because of that all of Abraham's seed would be blessed. Maybe that's truly what it's about. You need NOT have many children, be the perfect saint or the perfect parent in order to be blessed, worthy, or favored of God, but striving to be your best and giving your heart to God, is the answer. God does not expect perfection, that is why we have a Savior, he expects effort and worthiness. Effort and worthiness are not the same thing as perfection.
SELF CARE OR SELF WARE?
We think that by taking strenuous callings at church and bringing children into the world we are doing God's will and carrying out His great work, this is true and all part of the plan, but I think sometimes we forget that WE too are His children and that He also wants us to be happy and healthy. We get so caught up in being good saints that we think to sacrifice means we must suffer. Not so, we make sacrifices, but not usually to the point of suffering. Suffering can be part of it sometimes, but the word sacrifice does not mean the same thing as suffering. There is no other job in the world that requires as much selflessness as does parenting, whether you parent 1 child or 10. An important key to remember is that sometimes it is necessary to take care of yourself first before you can successfully take care of someone else. To be selfless also doesn't mean you have to suffer. You might put the needs of others before your own, but eventually you have to take care of your own needs too. I don't believe God wants us to suffer. It is not a selfish thing to first meet your needs before someone else's. If your needs are met first often times you are more useful to someone else in need. Can a breastfeeding mother feed her child before she eats first? No, that might not have good results.
We should always try to be in a position where we can be the good Samaritan. The good Samaritan did not suffer, but he cared enough to stop and help, he sacrificed some time and money. He was likely in a good place financially to care for the man. As parents, sometimes we suffer, especially with lack of sleep. I've heard that the lack of sleep parents can experience is equivalent to the torturous method of depriving people of sleep to break them down. It may statistically have the same effect. I believe it! I'm not saying make your kids suffer while you lead a pampered life, but please take care of basic needs the best you can for yourself.
Social media is a breeding ground for comparing ourselves to others and developing feelings of guilt for not being as perfect as someone else "seems" on social media. I have followed a prominent LDS influencer on Instagram for a few years now. I started following her because of her tutorials on braiding and doing hair. She always seemed so perfectly happy with a gorgeous husband and 4 gorgeous kids. She could do it all! After following her for a bit, her marriage completely fell apart and her relationships with her kids were not as good as they seemed. All of this blew up on social media and she took a lot of criticism. There were many people that were very mean to her, and extremely judgmental. She did fall in love with someone new, come to find out he might have been an interest before her divorce was final and she married him quite fast. Again, all on social media, the cruelty ensued from others watching her waiting to pounce. It also appeared that her relationships with her ex-husband and children had improved since this happened. Honestly, in some ways I like her even more now because she faced the storms of reality and its harsh winds to come out on top. She now seems real......vulnerable.........this made her human........it made her more relatable in some sense. We shouldn't be ashamed of being vulnerable or be afraid of being relatable, but rather rejoice in these things. It can be hard to be real, but it's worth it. We don't need to put up a facade in order to be liked or pleasing to others. Before this woman's divorce much of her social media life was kind of fake and she kind of annoyed me a little. Now her social media life has an aspect of realism. I would never have put all of that out on social media if I were her, but I guess she felt a duty to her followers, since so many were asking her about it.
So, where is this conclusion going? To sum it up, I guess I just want to say to women, don't destroy yourself or prevent yourself from being your best self because of unrealistic, invisible or not, expectations. Find out for yourself what God expects of you. It might be different than you expect. Remember you are not JUST here to bring children of God into the world, you too are a child of God still.
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