The ability to feel is a gift.....a miracle really. To feel the whole spectrum of emotions can be amazing, euphoric, and overwhelming. Emotion is something that can be hard for us to get a handle on. A few weeks ago in a Sunday School class we were discussing stones. Stones we carry. We all have things we hold on to, things that happen to us and things that just are. Our emotions can be stones, trials, challenges, judgement, decisions, mistakes, sins, and pains can be stones. We always carry these with us.
Stones often times get a bad rap. Stoning was a horrific way to die. We carry stones that weigh us down, they drag us down, they slow us down, and make us weak. Carrying these stones is hard and we just can't do it sometimes. Stones crush, stones harm, stones can be so awful! As this discussion ensued, a wonderful woman spoke up about how she couldn't stop thinking about marble and how it's made. She mentioned what the rocks we carry around would be doing as we walk through life. They would be hitting each other, grinding, polishing, smoothing like in a rock tumbler. She explained how marble goes through a lot of that grinding to get smooth and beautiful. As it is polished through great pressure and adversity, beautiful markings appear, giving marble its familiar, beloved, and valuable look. Someone else mentioned that the rocks we carry slow us down. She looked at it as a good thing, to slow down. By slowing down we might see things differently, gain a new perspective, and maybe even come to appreciate that crushing weight a little.
This discussion came after a particularly trying week. Some really bad things happened in my neighborhood, a very harsh judgement and miscalculated accusation came against someone I love, hope was lost regarding family relationships, past hurt floated to the surface and I was forced to stare in the face of more judgement. This is how I know God communicates with me and still loves me despite my failures. A few days later I'm scrolling Facebook and find a post by a well-known, mildly famous member of my church. He talked about Christ's teaching to love each other and not judge one another. He wrote about how often we must choose between the two and that we cannot do both, but perhaps He knew we could not do both, only He can. "
When we love someone, they don't feel our judgement. When we judge someone, they don't feel our love. This is why people withdraw and isolate themselves. This is why some choose loneliness over judgement." This is true, this is exactly how I felt. I often find myself choosing loneliness because I don't want to be judged, nor do I want to judge others.
He goes on, "The truth is that time spent in the presence of people who really know you, but don't judge you is absolutely priceless. I can't put into words how meaningful it is to talk to people who could judge me, but don't. The converse is also true.....in that it is devastating to realize that some people love, respect, and cherish the idea of me, but not the reality of me......especially when the reality of me might offend their sensibilities. Paramount to the mental health of anyone, is the peace that they can find within the sanctuary of true and genuine friendship. This can be VERY rare for many. The truth is that real friendship is not fickle, fragile, or fake. Friendship is loving someone for who they are, and not just how they are. Doesn't it make sense that, if you truly care about someone, you'd prefer the consequences of what your love might bring them.....over the consequences of what your judgement might?" My friend, you nailed it! I could not have said it better myself! When I read this, it really brought peace to my heart, touched my soul, and soothed my aching pain. These are the words to describe exactly how I feel.
Why do we judge? How can we allow the worst in us to unleash on others because we don't like something about them? I think the way people are treated as fellow human beings has always been important to me, and something I've always been hyper aware of. With that being said, I too have had my moments of unleashing the worst in myself on others to drag them down, this usually happens when I let anger get the best of me. I always regret those moments. If you have ever been hurt by me, I am truly sorry. I feel that I have not always had the opportunity or maybe the courage to apologize in person. It's something I'm working on. Anyway, like I mentioned before, emotions are hard to get a handle on, even as an adult. As humans, I think we all possess some toxic trait of the natural man. We all have the ability to be toxic, at moments, or sometimes even long term. I do think there are appropriate times for making judgement. Sometimes we have to protect ourselves or loved ones. Sometimes we can only love from a distance, hoping one day it will change. Truth is, judging is part of our nature, it's what we do naturally.
What propels change? I think in order for change to happen we all have to humble ourselves in some way. We must acknowledge that we are capable of wrongdoing, of hurting, and of messing up. If this cannot be done, then it's over before it can begin to move forward. I have become better at acknowledging my missteps. I think it's important to note that anger and hurt are not always the same thing. Standing up for oneself is also different from being hateful, although sometimes simply walking away is better than saying anything. Loving yourself is not narcissistic, unless that is all you care about, and you have to put others down in order to maintain that love of self. The last few years have taught me a lot and I have changed. It is devastating when people don't let you change. I do my best to let people change. They don't forever remain in my mind as someone who hurt me, but someone who is learning. As am I.
Sometimes, though, we cannot be who we are and be loved, I know I'm not alone in this camp. The other day on my way home from work I asked myself, what's so wrong with who I am? I know I'm not perfect and am subject to anger like anyone else, but what's my crime? My parents are divorced. Although, that was not my fault, it comes with a lot of despair and heartache. Unfortunately, it remains a situation not understood by most. Did I mention, I home school, work full time, ONLY have 2 kids, and oh I'm not vaccinated......there's that..........What's my husband's crime? He loves freedom, and his interests are not of the average person. His desire for some idealism, justice, and truth is just not acceptable. What are the crimes of my daughter? She's not comfortable wearing a dress for any reason and she would rather hang with boys than with girls. My son, well, he likes pink, and he loves to dance ballet and tap. As you can see, most egregious! That's not to say that we legitimately don't mess up now and again, offending others, or making mistakes. These are just a few things that we have been harshly judged on by others, these are the reasons, we are sometimes mistreated.
If you didn't have enough rocks in your backpack, don't worry you will always be too fat or too skinny, too loud or too quiet, too modest or too immodest, to smart or not smart enough, too beautiful or too average, too stylish or too uncool, too funny or not funny enough, too odd or too boring, too critical or too oblivious, too perfect or too imperfect, too rich or too poor, too crazy or too blasé for this world. No matter what you do or who you are, you will not be good enough. If that's not enough to bring you down, I'd like to remind you that there will always be someone else better at what you do than you. Okay, I'm kidding, only partially, though! I'm not really trying to bring you down, but this is a reflection of what I feel sometimes. Through it all, there still remains the most important lesson of my life. Actually, I think it's the key to happiness. This lesson has been instilled in me on the deepest level of my being, by my mother. It's more important than any other lesson, I think. That is simply, "Grow where you are planted". I found myself revealing the secret to happiness to my daughter the other night. No matter what your circumstance or your situation, you make the best of it. If it is within your power to change or to change the situation, then do it. No matter how sad or depressing a predicament, you look for the positive, you look for the good, you seek out the miracle. No matter your upbringing or your genetics, you always have a choice. In this you find yourself, you find others to help, and you find God. Happiness is not a destination, rather something you have to find along the journey.
Despite having a lot of difficult feelings over the past weeks, I want you all to know, whoever is out there that I choose joy, I choose Love, I choose faith. Despite how I've been hurt, I know I can forgive, and I know I can still love. Being able to feel that is an incredible gift. I can honestly say that the trials of the past weeks have just given me more evidence of God's love for me and more evidence of those who really care for me. I feel like I'm coming through the other side of the darkened tunnel and I'm seeing the light. God has shown me what I have to be grateful for. There will always be people that will bring me down and try to hurt me for whatever reason, but I'm not afraid of that anymore. I can face it head on with love in my heart and surer in my convictions of God's existence. A natural phenomenon worth mention: Caterpillars literally dissolve into mush before they can form into a butterfly. So, if you're feeling bad about those rocks about now, at least you don't have to dissolve into mush! Beauty comes after adversity.
Through all of the challenges God has not forsaken me, no, He is so good! He has placed people in my path whom I can call brothers and sisters, true genuine friends. From my chiropractors, to my coworkers, to neighbors, and church members, extended family and in laws, I have been immensely blessed. I had a bit of a hard time growing up, I was fat, I was teased, I was quiet, I was weird, I had no special talent, I was never popular, I was not accepted by many. Now I have a mother who has never forsaken me, who fiercely loves me and my family. I have amazing, kind and supportive family through my husband. I have a sister who always has my back whether I know it or not! Brothers that are there if I really need them. I have doctors who treat me like family and coworkers that literally have been my family when mine could not be there! I have nephews that make me laugh and stand as a stalwart example to my little ones. I have an incredible husband who teaches me every day to be more kind and understanding. I have the sweetest little girl who writes me sweet notes and puts them in my lunch box. She loves me so much she doesn't want me to go to work. I have the sweetest little boy who tells me every day over and over how much he loves me. He tells me every day that I'm the prettiest mom he's ever seen, but Halle Bailey is a little prettier (I would have to agree), Ha Ha! She's not a mom yet, so I guess I'm still #1 in the mom category. He also tells me every day that I'm the best mom!
I'm reminded of a story by Max Lucado. The wooden boys and girls in this story judge one another by giving each other gold stars or gray dots. One wooden boy, who is covered in gray, meets a girl who has no dots or stars, and he wonders how can that be? She instructs him to visit the wood carver, their creator, and then he will understand. So, he goes to the wood carver. The wood carver tells him how much he is loved and how special he is. After a few visits his dots begin to fall off. This is so profound to me. Others' words only stick if we allow it to. As we see God's love, we care less and less about the judgement of others.
So, as stones show up in our backpack from various sources let them roll around for awhile, allow them to smooth out, slow you down so as to gain a new perspective, and then let God teach you how to build a castle with marble floors! A castle that protects your peace, a castle in which He can reside. Let the stones make you better, let them better your life.
To all those who have been kind to me, who did not judge, but loved me, thank you! To those who disagreed with me, but still respected and loved me, you are amazing examples! Thank you for teaching me a better way, thank you for being genuine friends! Thank you for being God's hands to lift me from drowning in despair, when I couldn't lift myself, even if you didn't believe in God, or believe the same as me! A miracle has taken place for me with this song.
Thank God I Do by Lauren Daigle is a song I picked up over a month ago and have been learning the piano and vocals on just because I liked it. I've played it over and over, improving my techniques and voice. She has a low range that's for sure, I think I can barely reach her low range on this song, finally! As I've sang this song through these trials, there is new meaning. Her words have become mine. I think this song was originally written to be about Jesus and/or God, and it is for me first and foremost about Jesus and/or God, but lately God has shown me all the people in my life that this could apply to. So, to all those mentioned above, not by name, but I think you know who you are.
This song goes out to you!
I've seen love come and
I've seen love walk away
So many questions
Will anybody stay?
It's been a hard year
So many nights in tears
All of the darkness
Trying to fight my fears
Alone, so long alone
I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You
I'd probably fall off the edge
I don't know where I'd go if You ever let go
So keep me held in Your hands
I've started breathing
The weight is lifted here
With You, it's easy
My head is finally clear
There's nothing missing
When You are by my side
I took the long road
But now I realize
I'm home with You, I'm home
I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You
I'd probably fall off the edge
I don't know where I'd go if You ever let go
So keep me held in Your hands
I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You
I'd probably fall off the edge
I don't know where I'd go if You ever let go
So keep me held in Your hands
You're my safe place
My hideaway
You're my anchor
My saving grace
You're my constant
My steadiness
You're my shelter
My oxygen
I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You
Thank God, I do
I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You
I'd probably fall off the edge
I don't know where I'd go if You ever let go
So keep me held in Your hands
I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You
Thank God, I do
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