Now that the Mad Month of March has ended, I hope life will slow down a bit. No, I'm not talking about college basketball! March was truly mad for me! From lots of sickness to frustrations and break downs, 2024 has not been going great. I only hope it will improve from here.
I have increased frustration about parenting, schooling and the way things are going. Why do I do hard things? When I talk to friends or other moms I have a hard time hiding my feelings and sometimes I think they are surprised at how real I am. I don't have time to waste being fake or pretending things are better than they are. If I'm not real with myself, then what's the point?
As I have begun to purge my house of baby things, I find myself feeling guilty for not having more children. I go to Home school co ops and see other women with anywhere from 3 to 11 kids and they make it look so easy. I know it's not, but I often ask myself why can't I do that? I know the answers. I've thought about this so much that I've psycho analyzed myself to probably unhealthy levels. I've come to conclusions like, I'm just not cut out for being a good parent, or I must be completely ignorant of what kids need.
I scour my past life for advice and examples from my own parents. I've come to know my past self very well. Although my parents did a pretty good job much of the time, my kids are not me, and our world is not the world I grew up in. I'm also not my parents and there are certain things I can and cannot do. The more I scour, the more I realize how different my life was then. The true conclusion is, I cannot work full time, home school, keep up my house and my health, and go through pregnancy again only to lose more sleep while becoming encompassed in tending to a new life. Another cold hard truth is, feminism sold us a box of rocks! Women are fantastic, but they can't do it all and they are not meant to!
The differences between men and women are important, both are needed. Although my situation is upside down and I can't change it over night, I've learned how important these roles are. I did not necessarily sign up for everything in my life. It is no one's fault, just the way life panned out for me. I love my family very much and would not trade them for anything. Being in my situation has shed light on universal truths about men and women. Society could benefit from relearning these things. That's all I will say about that for now.
My parents taught me how to work hard, so it's no surprise that I usually choose the hard route. I know that I'm a very simplistic and efficient person also. Even though I seemingly choose hard routes, I go about it in the most efficient, and simplistic manner to make things easier for myself. Home school is a hard route especially when I have to work full time. Many people have asked me time and time again "why do you do that to yourself"? Public "government" schools are fine and your kids will be fine, etc. First off, I don't choose home school out of fear. I've looked at schools and the curriculum. I've pondered, prayed, and searched, and then done it over and over again. Yes, I do think my kids would benefit from some of what school has to offer, I also feel they would hate a lot of it. Much of what it offers is unnecessary and is indoctrination. I don't use that term lightly, and I'm not judging anyone who sends their kids there. These are just feelings I personally can't ignore in my own life and my family's lives. When parents have to say, or think, "I'll fix the indoctrination when they get home," isn't there something really wrong with that? I have heard many parents say this, time and time again. I would think that that thought would bother them more than it does.
I find myself constantly asking, why can't I maintain simple routines? Why can't I get my kids to sleep in their own beds? Why can't we better develop good and healthy habits? Why does it always feel like one step forward 5 steps back? Why is parenting so hard for me? A few months ago, I had an epiphany, and I mean no disrespect to any other parents by what I'm about to say. We have our kids 24-7. While other parents send their kids to school and extra curricular activities, they are getting a 6-8 hour break from their kids, we don't get that. I've often wondered, why does it seem so easy for other parents to stay on top of discipline, schedules, routines, etc? I suppose I should be grateful that my kids are not taking the TV apart like our home schooled friends did when their parents were gone. True story our friends and neighbors were home schooled in the 90's when it was unpopular, and yes they took the TV apart beyond repair.
When you choose home school, you not only take on their education, but you take on their social life, and more time with them. Home school parents must get their kids out into the social world, we have to help them make friends and have social experiences. You also take on preserving their innocence, teaching them about honesty, integrity, self esteem, acceptance, charity, forgiveness, religion and a whole lot more virtually on your own! Although I believe most of these things should be taught at home anyway, school does provide opportunities to see these things in action sometimes. Going to school and having teachers also gives a support system for helping your kids learn some of these things. Co op groups do this on a smaller scale.
As I perceive my life from this perspective some of my earlier complaints seem less significant. Maybe, not sleeping in their own bed, or going to bed too late is not as significant compared to all I have to worry about. As long as they are getting a good 10 hours of sleep, where that takes place is not super important. We do have our routines, but they are not anything like the typical family. I think all parenting is hard regardless of your choices, so I'm not trying to downplay anyone else's experience. It is a universal truth that the more responsibility you take on the harder things are. I'm grateful I had that epiphany, mentioned above, because it really put things into perspective and helped me see that I deserve a little more grace. I still go through these rounds of guilt and feelings of failure until I fall apart, and as you can probably guess.....I have indeed fallen apart again.
Some of the best advice I've ever received was this: "YOU are their parent for a reason and maybe YOU are the only one that can understand them". This rings true to me every time I get discouraged. I've tried all different kinds of parenting styles......this is still weird to me.....parenting styles? Rather it is a choice or method to do or not do something. I have listened to many commentators on the subject of peaceful/gentle parenting and although I can agree with them on many things and much of their advice is useful, I feel there are holes in much of the philosophy. Most of the time it sounds fabulous! I agree that not everything should be driven by punishment, but I can't imagine teaching my kids that there should never be punishments or consequences. I agree that we should not constantly yell at our kids or be abusive in any way. I can agree that in many situations punishment may not teach kids or result in changed behavior, but kids need to know that there are consequences natural and unnatural to our decisions and actions. I'm all about talking and having discussions with my kids about bad behavior or bad choices. I wish my parents would have talked to me more. Sometimes talking is not enough and also does not result in changed behavior.
Before you jump on the band wagon of parenting styles, just know that every child is different and knowing your child is the most important thing. There is not an answer for every situation that applies to every different kid out there. Much of parenting is trial and error.......that is the truth! Sometimes decisions about certain situations cannot be made until you reach that bridge, not before, and it depends on the child. Best parenting book I've read is Hold On To Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. Something worth mentioning is that when I choose not to punish them that is not the same thing as rewarding them. This is an important distinction. When I choose to pick my battles it is not the same thing as doing nothing or letting my kids get away with everything. This is something I've had to learn. I've also had to learn that I don't have to win every single battle to be a good parent.
I've seen a dangerous trend in children today. This is children thinking they can get away with anything, that there are no consequences, and that no one should correct them or punish them for any reason. Even more horrifying, are the parents who also believe this. If their kid does something wrong and you say anything, they are in your face. The idea that kids cannot be corrected by another adult, punished for something, told they need to apologize, or even talk to another adult is horrifying to me. There is a whole generation being raised without honor, without humility, without consequences, or punishments of any kind. Along with this has also come a disrespect for humanity and sanctity of life. We have a very prideful generation growing up right now and I fear for them. I fear for their fall, and yes, parents are setting them up to fall. Pride always comes before the fall.
Another dangerous trend is the idea that if you don't like something, you just change it. This applies to rules, societal norms, manners, your body and gender. I believe there is value and importance in teaching children to accept permanence in things. Why not accept how God/nature made you and be who God made you to be? If these things are not accepted, then there are much more damaging long term effects. We have recently had a lot of experience with death. Death is very permanent and cannot be changed. Acceptance of many permanent things can directly affect happiness and self esteem. I was never happy with my body. I was fat and there were all sorts of things I wanted to change about my body. I also hated being a girl once puberty hit. It was awful and even abnormal for me. It wasn't just periods and everything that came with that, it was also Endometriosis, and the possibility that I may never have children. It took me many years to be comfortable in my own skin and be happy with myself. I'm so grateful I did NOT have social media and gender transition to influence me back then. If I had, who knows where I would have ended up.
I think Paul Harvey's letter to his grandchildren is full of great advice. If I were to describe in words what I'm trying so diligently to do, it is in this letter.
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I’d like better. I’d really like for them to know about hand-me-down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
To the children:
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you’ll let him/her.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it’s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he/she wants to crawl under the covers with you because he/she’s scared, I hope you let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don’t ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won’t be seen riding with someone as uncool as your mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
I hope you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I don’t care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don’t like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he/she is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your grandma/grandpa and go fishing with your uncle. I hope you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor’s window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hanukkah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you – tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it’s the only way to appreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I’m here for you. And if I die before you do, I’ll go to heaven and wait for you.
-Paul Harvey
This has been my life recently and Paul Harvey's letter was really the inspiration. January through March were really hard months for me. With the passing of Easter I have regained faith and hope in my future and my family's. There have been epiphanies over the last months which have changed my perspective. As I studied Holy week with my family, it gave me new hope and reminded me that Christ is in this with me. He knows what I'm going through. When it feels like no one else understands, He does. Easter week gave me renewal and reminded me of Christ's grace. I've learned to grant myself grace. Whatever you are going through right now, grant yourself grace. Christ suffered for you, His grace saves us, so it's okay to grant yourself grace.
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