You are Home

Another year has gone by!  It is Christmas once again!  December 18th marks the end of all of my Christmas parties, performances and recitals!  It's sort of a relief.  Now there's just Christmas, and this year I will work on Christmas again.  I prefer not to work this holiday, of course, and I haven't had to work on it too many times in all of my working years.  I started working at the age of eleven.  I didn't have an official job, but it was no joke.  I started babysitting regularly at eleven, and did until I got an official job at age seventeen.  What I do like about working Christmas is that it keeps me grounded.  It keeps me home, and it reminds me of what is really important.  When I'm not working on the holiday, it's all too easy to get caught up in the hype, fun, commercialism, and excitement of it all.  There's nothing wrong with that really, but I can get lost in it all.  When I work, I have the time to really internalize it and think about what's most important and the true meaning of Christmas.

I've been thinking a lot about home lately.  Maybe it's just the season.  I remember Christmas as a child like it was yesterday.  The smells, the feelings, the music, the cold, the taste of wonderful food, the movies, the decorating, the giving, the Christmas Carol, the excitement of Santa, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ!  All of that is home to me!  I associate the best time of the year with home.  Every year at this time I ponder on and reminisce about the best times of my childhood and the best part about home for me.  I can't escape the emotions tied to all of that.  I only hope that I'm making this time of year just as special and important for my kids as it was for me.

Home is so much more than where you live or what house you have. It doesn't even have to be about the family that you have.  Sometimes home is more about feelings in your heart.  Of course, all of these things do play an important role in defining what home means to us.  According to AI, "the deep meaning of home goes far beyond a physical house; it's a profound sense of belonging, safety, and emotional refuge, a place where you can be your authentic self, surrounded by love, familiar memories, and connection to your roots and heritage, serving as a sanctuary from the outside world. It's a nurturing space for relationships, a repository of personal history, and often tied to our deepest needs for security, peace, and self-actualization, whether it's a place, a person, or a feeling." Wherever you are this season, I hope that you have whatever it is you need to feel at home!  

In recent months, I've not felt at home in some places I used to feel at home in.  I take in a pretty significant
amount of media while at work.  There were many shows and podcasts I'd listen too on a regular basis.  My church seems to be in the news a great deal lately, and everyone has an opinion.  It's been disheartening to watch the hateful comments toward the "Mormons".  It's been challenging to see how many people classify the people of my faith.  I've grown up pretty sheltered here in Utah, and that has come with its own set of issues.  Anyway, I started to feel really uncomfortable in this very opinionated audience.  So, I began searching for something better....and I found it...the something better!  I took solace in a brand new show called Latter Daily Saints.  I was familiar with the people who started this show as they hosted another show called The Stick of Joseph.  This all lead me to a show called Ward Radio.

As I binged Ward Radio , I realized just how much I did not know about many things inside and outside of my faith.  I found the show fascinating, funny, and satisfying.  What is satisfying about it is the way in which this group valiantly defends our church and it's teachings.  They do it in a manner that is usually respectful....it's not without the occasional joking and roasting... all in good humor though.  They are fair to everyone.   I realized how my home was so different from the homes of the people on this show, however, I quickly felt at home in their audience.  They put into words much of what I've felt over the years.  I guess I didn't recognize just how despondent I was feeling about everything....then the shooting in Michigan took place at an Latter Day Saint church building.  I saw the way people responded to Candace Owens' claims about the LDS church being communist, not Christian, shady, and doing nefarious things simply because we have money.  After that it was like my eyes had opened to this whole new world.  I started seeing how people really viewed us.  I'm grateful that there is a space on YouTube where faithful members fight this battle.  I kind of wish I was part of it, but I feel like I'm in the right place.  I know I'm doing what I was called to do through writing.  I have faith that my message gets where it needs to go.

I grew up in small town Cedar City, Utah in the 1980s and 1990s.  It was small, and quiet, and probably 90% LDS.  I was sheltered, but my innocence was preserved for a longer period of time than the average kid probably.  Innocence feels like home to me.  I don't recall ever hearing the f word until I was in college. I did hear many other swear words in my house though, and that was just fine......as long as no one else knew about it.  Shhhh!  I grew up thinking Coke and any other caffeinated beverage was a sin to drink, or the devil's drink! Haha! Yes, the great conspiracy of tea and coffee to get us in the habit and drain our wallets is horrible!  The Word of Wisdom is true and wise!  While Utah has plenty of coffee shops, the Latter Day Saints frequent the soda shops (Fiiz, Sodalicious, Pop Drink, Swig, etc.) instead......."don't you know it's about the caffiene?"  Hahahaha! I think the soda companies might have their own conspiracy!  The coffee and tea mafia has been replaced with the soda mafia!

If someone came to church with their hair dyed an unnatural color, that somehow meant they were rebellious or bad.  If you had lots of piercings or tattoos you had probably been to prison.  If you got pregnant out of wedlock there was probably no way back for you!  If you didn't get married at the ripe old age of 20, then there was probably something wrong with you and you were now a burden on society.  If you didn't have at least 4 kids, then you weren't properly multiplying and replenishing the earth.  If I only had a dime for every time I've heard, "Oh, you ONLY have two kids....hmmm?" If you were a married couple, the answer to any and all problems was just have another baby!  If you're on the brink of divorce..... have a baby!  If you're husband is cheating.....have a baby!  If you have no money.....have a baby!  If you are depressed, or anxious....have a baby!  

If you looked at porn, that was a one way ticket to Hell!  If someone in your family got a divorce, took drugs, came out as gay, or had a teen pregnancy, it was okay if your righteous indignation stretched to excluding that person from your life.  If you didn't serve a mission, then you were less of a Child of God than someone who did.  Some of the people I went to church with probably engaged in so much pearl clutching that the pearl necklace probably was a very popular birthday gift!  Okay, I admit, I'm exaggerating a bit and having a little fun!  Did all of this bug me?  Oh yeah!  This was home for me, but it always bothered me even when I was a kid.  I was tempted to leave the church due to the cultural dogma that I was raised in.   

In the 90s and early 2000s culture and my church were really good at teaching abstinence.  I'm not against this teaching for many things, but we have to also teach the reasoning behind it!  WHY matters.  What the church wasn't good at teaching in my religious dogmatic small town culture was repentance.  Repentance was a thing of embarrassment.  It meant that people would see you not take the sacrament.  It meant that people would know you did wrong, and treat you differently.  It was just better to avoid all of that!  I think this really did a disservice to the teachings of our church, and a disservice to Jesus Christ and His sacrifice.  It hurt the youth.  When we did do something wrong, or sinned against God's commandments, we believed it was over, we were done, there was no way back.  I've seen many leave the church over this sort of cultural dogma.  I've seen people refuse to consider investigating our church for membership because of this damaging culture.  That is what this is.....culture.  None of this that I've described is the teachings of our church.  It's not in any handbook, manual, or scripture.  Rather it is a religious cultural dogma that has risen out of other old culture and the opinions of a small group of people in a small town.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Utah and around the world has improved on these things a great deal in recent years.  It's helpful for people to be told that their dogma is not scripture and that their opinions may not always align perfectly with the church teachings.  

On the other hand, another religious cultural thing that is not quite right are the many children that won't even try marriage because they believed that their parents' marriage was perfect.  Many are willing to call it quits too soon when they find out that marriage has difficulty. How many times have I heard in Sunday School couples bragging that they never fight in front of their children?  Many.  I see this as a hindrance.  You are not doing your kids any favors by hiding all of the hardships of marriage.  Please, argue in front of the kids!  Show them that there can be resolution.  Show them how to deal with disagreements and fighting in marriage.  I come from a household of much contention, and I can say it was helpful.  In my case it was sad and caused much heartache, but please be honest with your kids about the reality of marriage.  It's not always easy and it's never perfect!

When I moved to the big city in northern Utah there was  less of this dogma, and if I'm being honest, I was surprised.  Northern Utah is/was much more diverse in every way than my small town home.  I was relieved by it and grateful.  I related to the open-mindedness and accepting nature of the larger home I just adopted......BUT......it did not take long for me to discover some more dogma that still existed.  It seems that there is still a lot of judgement that goes on here in Utah among members of the church.  It is harsh, un-Christlike, and embarrassing.  It seems that if we don't understand something, then we shun it, turn away from it, and reject it completely.  We are quick to mistakenly recognize something that is innocent for something nefarious because of fear.  Some people thought I was a terrible parent for many reasons.  No one knows what a tom-boy is anymore.....but I have one of those, and it did not take long for people to label her as gay when she was just 6 years old!  What a wild assumption!  It's crazy to me that we can label an innocent child as gay because they prefer to wear clothes of the opposite sex and play sports rather than play with dolls.  I found it interesting that people had more patience with my son, who played in girl costumes and played with dolls for a few years.  When it came to my son, he wasn't labeled gay quite as often by adults as my daughter, but people came after me telling me that I was the problem......I wasn't giving him the right toys to play with???  Or something!  He was labeled gay by other kids because he liked the color pink, or wore leggings, or danced in ballet. Now that we are a few years out from that, I'm happy to report that we are past the dress up stage!  Side note, there are a lot of very manly men in ballet!  Ballet needs more men, so here's my shameless plug; put your boys in ballet!  Specifically C and C ballet Academy, if you are in Northern Utah!  It's a great way for them to be active, build strength, discipline, and learn to be gentlemen!  

I find it fascinating that we are very against sexualizing children in one way, but it's okay if we do it in another way because we are afraid of it, or we think we are an expert in it.  How is it okay to predict a child's sexuality based on childhood likes and dislikes, what toys they like to play with, or what clothes they like to wear?  It's very strange!  Did we forget how puberty works?  Just so I cover my basis, I am a biologist, so I can speak to this......Can we just at least let the kids get through puberty first before we start the predictions?  Even then, we don't need to make any predictions about people's lives.  This really felt like an older generation's (that will remain nameless) influence......which is not necessarily bad all the time, but is uninformed, or has serious misunderstanding about many things......"Mental illness??? There's no such thing.....it's all in your head!".......UH HUH.....EXACTLY!  Sounds like, "boys can't cry, or play with dolls....or like the color pink........feelings?  What are those?  Oh I just held those in my whole life.....isn't that what you are supposed to do?"  Be careful not to disagree with them because disagreeing equates to disrespect!  Okay, still having some fun here, but unfortunately these are things I heard growing up from the older generation.  I speak from experience about the disagreeing thing.  I also heard, "Yeah, that couple isn't married, they live together, BUT I actually like them.......Yeah, my Lutheran neighbor is actually a good guy.......He's black, BUT I really like him........"  As if it's so shocking that any of these people could be good or likable.

There was a time in all of this with my kids, when I was tempted to leave the church, or take a break because of the harsh judgement.  There were a few instances where certain members truly understood me and gave me meaningful advice. They chose to lift me up amidst all the turmoil I was feeling instead of tearing me down.  I also remembered a time from my youth when I promised Heavenly Father that I would NOT allow other people and their judgement to drive me away from my faith.  I did not want to allow others to drive a wedge between me and my God.  It did not seem worth it to me.  I do understand to an extent why people leave though.  Utah members are harsh.  When people say the church is so different outside of Utah, I think how good that truly is!  I'm glad to hear that it is different!  Utah has a lot to learn in the ways of being truly Christ-like to others.  

The truth is that the church is far more influenced by culture through the changing years, than the culture is influenced by the church.  Utah has its own culture and always has, but every state has their own culture. I would say that the culture in Utah has been influenced by the history of the church more than any other place, but there are deeper national cultural things that still have influenced Utah.  The segregation of the early to mid 1900s is a good example.  This very clearly had a deep impact on some of the older generations and it was still hard in the early 2000s for them to see people as equals across race.  Hearing people talk with shock and surprise that they actually liked a black person was a real thing that I heard a handful of times.  Those I heard it from I don't believe to be racist, but rather heavily influenced by the culture that they grew up in for a very long time.  

For a long time, I've wanted to move to a small town. Sometimes I'm just not sure what to do in this huge Wasatch front valley! I know it's surprising, right, but the small town life wasn't all bad.  I'd looked for jobs with no success. I had prayed much about the subject of moving and really did not feel anything strongly one way or another. However, I'm aware of how much my family has been blessed right where we are!  

I printed a bunch of names for temple work back in 2019, and I was going to the temple on a monthly basis. I was almost through the stack in February of 2020, and then everything shut down, and I had one name left. I went to the temple on Mother's Day weekend in 2024, and I attended a very full endowment session in the Jordan River temple with that last name. She waited an additional 4 years because of Covid and my own inability to get myself there after Covid. I felt guilty for waiting so long, yet that day in the temple I felt this weight being lifted from me, like it was okay that all of that time had passed. Maybe she wasn't ready for that work to be done yet. Maybe the work was done in the right time.  

When I walked out of the temple that morning, I saw the grandeur of the eastern mountains across the valley. When I stopped and looked at those mountains, I just felt like I was home. The words that came to my mind were, "YOU ARE HOME". So, maybe God did answer my prayer that day. I don't usually believe in coincidence. That day was my first time going to the temple in 4 years. I had heard of all the changes and was hoping it would still feel right and familiar.........and like home.  It felt more right, more beautiful, and familiar than it ever did before! It was still home!

I'm so grateful for all the friends, religious and nonreligious, who have strengthened my testimony in their own special way, helped me stay on the right path, and encouraged me to be better! That day I went back to the temple, I did something better.  I tried to do good, and made a commitment to strive to be better, and because of that, I felt God's everlasting love, and came to know that I am home!  Yes, the church is not perfect, the saints are not perfect, I'm not perfect, but I still feel at home among them.  

Christmas is still home!  Christ is still home!  My family is still my family no matter what their choices are, no matter what they believe, no matter how their opinions differ from mine.  We are still home with our Heavenly Father.  We are still one big family, the family of a loving God.  Merry Christmas!  Wherever you are this year, I hope you feel home!