Lessons From the Grass

 

A while back, I wrote a post titled The Grass is Always Greener.  It was my thoughts about motherhood while having one foot in the career world and one in the stay-at-home mom world. Not just the stay-at-home mom world, but the particular world in Utah, which I think is a little different.  The saying "the grass is always greener on the other side" is a euphemism for maybe not being happy with one's life, or that people always want what they don't have!  It kind of formulates this "I'll be happy when, or if......" line of thinking. It also demonstrates pure irony because one might say "the grass is greener on the other side" when they know that it actually isn't.  

I've mostly tried to take an "I'll be happy anyway" kind of attitude.  I don't need what I don't have, but I do think God gave me both the opportunity to stay at home, and to work, and why?  For what?  Maybe some women need both, and some don't.  Maybe I'm one of those women who needs both, I'm not entirely sure.  I have asked myself, "would I be happy if I always stayed home......would I be happy if I never stayed home?"  I am still not sure if I have definitive answers, but I do know that I am happy with things as they are.  I would not say the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, but I really love being a mom!  Now, I'll probably spend a good part of the rest of my life wishing I had born more children, but I also understand why I couldn't.  I've made peace with that and have forgiven myself for my short comings.  I also don't entirely blame myself for not having more kids because life just happens and it doesn't always go down the expected path!  

A common misconception that modern feminism has given us is that women have never been equal to men.  That women have always been oppressed, and that women have always been forced to stay home and just be moms.  In reality, women have always worked beyond just being moms.  So many women today act like we are still fighting some deep oppression as if we are still living in 1800.  Realistically, I'm not sure there are that many glass ceilings left to break. Ladies in the church:  the priesthood of God is not a glass ceiling for you to break....women in the church already have it, but maybe not in the way that you want! We live in a world where women virtually can do and be anything they want.  There has been a huge push for girls to choose STEM careers.  Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math are pushed on girls so hard these days, and I wonder why?  

The new feminist movement claims that the reasons women are not in these fields are because of oppression.  Is it oppression though???  I work in medical technology and science, and more than half of the people I work with are women.  So, there are a lot of women in these fields, but maybe not as many as they want?  I'm unsure.  If women can freely choose these fields and have access to school, which most do, then why are they mostly still choosing careers like teachers, nurses, therapies, hairstylist, designer, culinary arts, and other art fields?  When I was in college, the women outnumbered the men two to one.  Could it be that women just don't naturally choose math and science in general?  Women tend to be drawn to careers of an artistic or nurturing nature.   

Although there have always been women working as teachers, nurses, authors, designers, performing artists, maids, governesses, housekeepers, cooks, lawyers, and many other professions, it was harder for them to achieve their goals and be successful.  Feminism has done a great deal of good for women.  It was indeed harder for women a long time ago.  We think that women are/were oppressed by a patriarchal system, but as women became more utilized in the workforce, we actually became less feminine.  

The value of femininity has diminished as women have become more, say, powerful.  Women became more patriarchal, more masculine, and made to live in a man's world.  This was not necessarily all done by men though.  This was the women's movements and their choices.  I do think a certain amount of this had to take place in order for the way of thinking to generally change, which was good.  Today, we are telling our daughters to not be feminine, but to be strong and masculine.  We tell them they should value a career over family, and we push them toward STEM.  I'm not saying all of this is bad, but we've definitely lost something and women are beginning to be desperate to find that which they have lost.  Many women don't even understand what's been lost.  

I've often been told that the reason I'm able to do anything that I do is because of women that came before me and paved the trail.  Well, maybe, but I find that to be a very one-sided view.  What about the men?  The men are the ones doing all of the dirty jobs and hard labor to build infrastructure. Men also mainly fought the wars.   The men have produced many of the modern conveniences that have made women's lives easier.  Men make it possible for us to live the way we do now.  Of course, all of this has been done with the help and assistance of women.  The teachers that inspired me to go toward STEM were men.  Most of the best teachers I had in college were men.  Men hired me in my current job and helped me succeed.  So, yeah women have done a lot to bring us to a place where we can do anything we want, but men have played a very important role in making all of that possible for us as well!  Is it time to give credit where credit is due and stop screaming at the men for continually and currently still oppressing us?  When is it time for the women to take some accountability, and at the very least face some facts?

Just the other day my nine-year-old son was at a family fun center with his sister and their friend.  When him and his friend, who is a girl, were talking to an older young woman about falling into a foam pit, she promptly told my son to shut up because boys don't know anything.  She proceeded to talk nicely to his friend who is a girl.  He described this person as an adult, much older than him.  My son does look older, maybe 12, but still, how do people think it's okay to talk to someone like this, especially when they are being nice?  Because my son spends a lot of time in ballet with lots of girls he has been treated badly by one girl.  He has been told that boys don't belong in dance and that he shouldn't be there.  Little does she know the head ballet instructor and owner of the business is always looking to recruit more boys.  Boys have an important role in ballet, and the girls are all going to wish there were more boys to learn with as they get older.  Some of them don't realize that their learning in ballet could be stunted if there are no boys.  This breaks my heart that we've come to a place now where it is okay to treat boys like this.  I'm not saying this happens all of the time, but it has happened more frequently than I would have ever thought.  I fear that it's becoming more normalized.  Misandry is not the answer to misogyny, or the patriarchy, or to our general unhappiness.  The misandry may be driving more men to be misogynistic.  It's a bad cycle where the two feed into each other; each one producing the other.

The super woman exterior seems to be cracking for a lot of women out there.  A 40-year-old woman went viral last week for melting down on Instagram.  This is not the 1st time I've seen this melt down on social media.  I feel for her and agree with her.  I just turned 40 last year, so I'm in the same boat as her.  Yes, feminism did tell us we could do it ALL!  Go to school, have the career, have the husband, the love story, and the kids!  You can do it all because you are a woman!  Women are special!  Women have superpowers!  Let's show the patriarchy that we can do everything and do it better than they can!!  So, now that these women have reached their 40's, how's it going? 

Interestingly, women are still not happy.  This has effectively led to burnout for most women. What's the solution now?  Well, the new philosophy now is leaving your husband and live for you.  Do everything for you!  You don't deserve to be unhappy!  Stay single, or get married, but don't have kids!  This is an extreme viewpoint, but I have heard it, and even seen it happen. It also exists as a vibe....not sure if that makes sense.  An example of this is Jodi Hildebrandt of southern Utah who used her practice to counsel couples out of their marriages, and it eventually lead to the severe abuse of some children.  She was a recommended therapist of the LDS church.  She used her practice to take out her anger on men because of trauma and sexual abuse she experienced earlier in her life.  This is an extreme example, but it happened.  I worry that other therapists and inflencers are leading women away from their marriages subtley.

We've already seen some of these women melt down too.  Surprisingly, dogs and cats are just not the same as having kids.....who would have thought? Now some women are upset because they can't find a man, or they wished they had kids.  Guess whose fault that is?  The men!  Somehow these women want to turn this into some new kind of oppression, when in reality this is the doing of women.  This is what women wanted, but it's the men's fault because they can't handle a successful woman!?! Hmm, I'm not sure that's it.  Could it have something to do with being self-absorbed, controlling, or not willing to commit and do all the hard stuff?  These women make me think that it's been a while since society has produced a generation of women willing to work hard and bear the burdens necessary to get to that happiness.  If you are constantly getting what you want and being pampered, or only focused on that career how can you tell if you're really happy?  Let's not forget to mention that there is an awful lot of complaining too.  Part of knowing happiness is to know its opposition.  Herein lies the something we have lost.  Women know there is something missing and often times we don't realize it until we've bought into the scam, and it might even be too late for some to have children.

The most important lesson from the grass is: happiness is a choice!  You have to wake up every day and choose it!  We have to also have an honest conversation about economics.  Many women have to work these days.  It's a luxury to be a stay-at-home parent now, so how can we change the economy for the better and have more women stay at home?  We also need to have an honest conversation about consumerism.  Can more of us be happy with less?  Can we be okay in a smaller house, driving older cars, or taking less vacations?  I'm not claiming to have all of the answers, but instead of blaming the patriarchy or the men, how about we look at the root of these problems, take accountability, be flexible in our thinking, and work together to find real solutions.

I'm not going to give you seemingly profound statements like, "you have the power to change your situation......if you just work hard enough things will happen for you.....if you just pray enough or have enough faith you can get what you want."  Yes, those are seemingly profound, but not helpful.  People's lives and situations are more complex and nuanced than that.  It's easier said than done.  I know from experience that these are not true.  When I was a kid, I wanted to be a gymnast......but I was a fat kid, and my parents could not afford it.  I wanted to be a doctor, but then I developed a phobia of doctors.  My husband wanted to work and be the sole supporter of his family, it didn't work out that way.  No, you can't necessarily be anything you want because sometimes there are limits, sometimes life makes other plans for you.....and well....shiz happens!

I have been faced with answering the questions referring to my husband, "why did you choose him, what do you see in him?" Of course, the answers are not "seemingly" profound, they are profound to me, and I made a choice in the end.  These are strange questions to ask I think, but in the land of brazen judgements, aka LDS Utah culture, I guess they are acceptable, haha!  I don't think anyone would say, "well he had a good job, money, and he's hot....."  I don't think anyone's answers would be so plain and devoid of wisdom or loving thought! 

Well, for me, my husband was not abusive!  Some might think that's an odd thing to say out of the gate, but for me, that was at the top of the list. He has always made me feel safe.  He makes me feel secure in my femininity.  My confidence as a woman has increased because he simply likes and appreciates my femininity.  I have not always been okay with femininity, but now I've grown to love and appreciate it.  He is a kind person and genuinely cares for others.  He never has tried to control me in any way.  He leads in righteousness and he puts God first.  He is a good example to me and reminds me to be a better person.  He started liking me before I lost all of my weight.  He stuck with me through that, supported me, and helped me!  Anyway, there are so many things I could say, but at the end of the day I chose to love him.  Falling in love is easy and I'm not sure that even completely lasts, it must be more than just "falling".  After you fall in love you have to continue to grow in love.  You have to consciously make a choice every day to love the person you are with.  I think the same is true for our happiness!  

To all of the women who agree or disagree with me, whatever situation you are in, no matter how you feel, I'm about to give you some tough words......LIFE IS HARD!  It's not going to get better if your husband just does more.  LIFE IS HARD when you're single, when you are married, when you are going to school, when you have kids, when you work, and when you don't work.  When did we lose sight of that and decide that none of us deserve our life to be hard?  I agree no one deserves pain and suffering, and maybe no one deserves a hard life, but it just is, it's hard!  We also are not promised or entitled to an easy life!  

I take issue with modern feminists because their claims diminish those who have ACTUALLY suffered real abuse and misogyny.  There are quite a few influencers online that would like to make every little nit-picky thing into misogyny and it's just not.  What I've learned is that this group of feminists will never be happy no matter how much the men step up.  When my husband was the stay-at-home parent, he was doing everything and doing it right, but it still didn't feel like it was enough.  When I was home with the kids doing everything, my efforts weren't enough either.  It's never enough because parenting is hard and even when both of you are giving 110%, it still feels like you aren't doing everything.  The house is still a mess, I'm still not great at cooking, I didn't get to one thing or another, and so on!  We are both drowning, but at least we are doing it together!

Does it ever occur to these women that there is happiness and satisfaction in working hard, having a family, and raising children?  When we do this, we are part of something greater than ourselves.   By raising kids, we are influencing the future.  By being moms, we change their world, and for a time we are their world, and they are ours.  You aren't going to be the world to someone at work most of the time.  Maybe you will be at times, but when you go home to those growing little ones, you are always their world.  "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world"-William Ross Wallace

No, the grass isn't always greener on the other side!  I've been single, I am married. I've been fat; I've been skinny.  I've been an adult without kids; I have kids. I've been a working mom; I've been a stay-at-home mom. I've been a full-time student, and I've worked a lot of different jobs.  I was in the dating pool for a while; I dated a lot of different people.  I've lost jobs, I've worked 3 jobs at the same time. I've failed, and I've succeeded!  I've been very un-feminine; I am the biggest girly-girl you'd ever meet.  I've been a feminist, and I've been reformed.  I've been very religious and faithful, and I've had faith crises.  My life was hard in all of these scenarios.  Sometimes the hard was just different.  The more I've strived to improve my life, the trials are still apparent.  I may have more to contribute to my happiness in the form of material gain, but it doesn't always make life easier. In some instances, improvements make life harder.

No, the grass isn't always greener on the other side! What I've learned is that the shade of green doesn't always matter.  The appearance of the grass itself doesn't always matter, but the grass has taught valuable lessons.  Happiness does not exist on the other side of a greener field, it exists all around no matter how green your grass is.  You might find happiness on your current grass, you might find happiness on a different plot of grass, but happiness is not in the grass, it's in you! Yes, some grass might contribute to your happiness more than other grass.  Some grass might make life a little easier, but the grass itself isn't happiness.   Happiness is a journey, and the journey will sometimes be hard.  Your happiness is not up to another person.  It is more your responsibility than anyone else's.  Yes, things will happen that are out of your control, and they might be sad, frustrating, or hard, but there could be something valuable there too.  One thing that I've always known is that God created the grass, ALL of the grass!  He was there no matter what grass I chose, or what grass I was placed on.  The rain still came, and I still grew.  Everything that I've been through, good and bad, has been for my good, for my learning, and for my benefit.  Having gratitude for God and all that He has done for me is where a great deal of my happiness has been found.  It's the presence of God in my life that has been what has steadily made life easier and pain more bearable.

So, instead of judging the grass by its shade, brightness, or thickness, maybe we could just be grateful for the grass.  Now, there's nothing wrong with trying to improve your grass, or even looking for better grass, but just know it's not always greener.  If it is greener that doesn't equate to easier.  Just remember greener grass usually requires more work to maintain.  Grass very easily fades, dies, or becomes infested with weeds.  Maybe you need to reseed your grass.  The rain will come.  The grass might not survive without it, just like you might not grow without a little rain sometimes.  I do believe that a close relationship with God is what makes the biggest difference in the ease of life.  It changes our ability to carry our burdens.  He is a steady constant that helps bear the load of life.

This song has touched my heart many times, but today as I wrote this it seemed to have new meaning.

Flowers

Well, blue skies and hillsides feel so far away

And I wrote in my notebook that I've seen better days 

Than the ones as of late

I can't bear the weight

The rain won't stop pouring out my windowpane

And I haven't left my bedroom in 76 days

I wish something would change

'Cause I'm losing faith

So I brought it up in a desperate prayer

Lord, why are you keeping me here?

Then He said to me, "Child, I'm planting seeds

I'm a good God and I have a good plan

So trust that I'm holding a watering can

And someday you'll see that flowers grow in the valley"

So whatever the reason, I'm barely getting by

I'll trust it's a season knowing that you're by my side

Every step of the way

And I'll be okay

'Cause I brought it up in a desperate prayer

Lord, why are you keeping me here?

Then He said to me, "Child, I'm planting seeds

I'm a good God and I have a good plan"

So trust that I'm holding a watering can

And someday you'll see that flowers grow in the valley

Mm, mm

When I'm on the mountain and looking down below

I'll see a valley of flowers that needed time to grow

And I'll thank you for the rain

The hurt and days of pain

And I'll bring it up in a grateful prayer

Thank you, Jesus, for keeping me there

You know just what I need, and you've planted seeds

'Cause you're a good God with a real good plan

And you hold my world in a watering can

So I can have peace 'cause flowers grow in the valley

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Samantha Ebert

Flowers lyrics © Songtrust Ave