Why I stayed

With the passing of the Semi-annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have seen comments and discussion on social media regarding why many saints leave the church.  After learning why some have left in recent years and thinking back on past discussions with others who have left in the past, I have been compelled to ask myself the question, Why have I stayed?  Why do I not share the view points and perceptions of those who left?  I too know about the many controversies in the church's history and indeed there are things that have been said and done in the past that I have not agreed with.  I too have gone through trying times and periods of great doubt even wanting nothing to do with God's sacred institution of marriage!  Why is it then that I have chosen to stay every time?  Some might suggest I have been duped, that I have been brainwashed, that I have not researched enough of church history to drive me away, that I only believe because its tradition or that I mistaken mere emotion for spiritual experience.  All are unfair assumptions about why people believe and stay.

It is true that I do not know and understand all of the reasons why people leave.  I don't know exactly what is in their heads, what they have read, or what they are feeling.  That is not for me to judge.  I believe that without religious freedom we are nothing!  I believe Agency is a most great and precious gift from God, second only to the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  So I genuinely respect others' agency.  Heavenly Father respects it so why not me?  The right to live according to the dictates of ones' own conscience is an inalienable right given to all.  Some of the greatest people I know and have had the privilege to call my friends are of other faiths or none at all.  Certainly there are amazing people and families out there that are not of my faith and we always rejoice in the common ground that our beliefs share!   I have deep and profound respect for my Muslim, Jewish, Agnostic, Atheist, and other Christian friends.  When having the privilege as a guest in their homes I have been met with nothing but respect, kindness, and love.  Nothing I write here is meant to take away from any of the beliefs that others possess or to claim that they are wrong.  Their beliefs are sacred to them and this is about the journey of my faith.

To begin answering this question to myself I must start with the pondering and examination of some of the stories of my ancestors and simply ask, why did they stay?  They lived and were converted among all of the controversies, some even left behind everything to follow the pioneers to Utah.  Some of them lost everything tragically at the hands of other members of the church.  They honestly had every reason to question, to doubt, and to abandon the church, so why didn't they?  Their stories have strengthened my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the prophets of the early church and simply, the principle of Faith.

I have always known the story of Arabella Smith, a Grandmother of mine, but a few years ago I learned the story of her mother.  Upon learning her mother's story, Arabella's (Bella) story seemed all the more miraculous to me.  Olive Olivia Curtis Coombs Higby was a Grandmother of mine from Connecticut.  She traveled to New York, where her and her husband found the church and converted.  They moved on to California and resided in many places there, with their children.  Her husband Abraham Coombs, was working for the Ephraim Hanks company when he became ill with pneumonia in Beaver Utah where he died.  All of their possessions were taken by his fellow pioneers due to the policy of abandonment.  She was married again and abandoned by another man.  After that she was counseled by Erastus Snow to go to Santa Clara Utah to teach English to Swiss converts.  While there she married again and they built a small house along the Santa Clara river.  While teaching English the river overflowed and flooded ending in the loss of all of their belongings once again.  Her husband left her and went to Salt Lake City.  She then married Ezra Higby and went to Cedar City to teach school.  While there her daughter recognized a family dress that Olive had mended on another girl.  The dress was from before the flood in Santa Clara. Olive started asking around about how the dress was obtained.  She wrote down notes in a black notebook.  She was a stranger and some of the locals were getting suspicious of her, one man in particular.  George Wood and others thought she was investigating the infamous Mountain Meadow Massacre that happened 5 years earlier.  George Wood was probably involved and made an oath of secrecy and felt a duty to silence her.  One morning he rode out to the Ezra Higby home and brutally murdered Olive and her daughter Emily while the other little girls witnessed and fled into the wilderness where they were found 2 days later.  George Wood confessed to the Bishop saying "I've just killed two women, see that they are buried" .  He later confessed to church leaders, judges and the community of what he did.  He claimed his reason for doing it was that Emily, the 13 year old daughter, had seduced his 18 year old son, but it was a lie to cover the real reason he did it.  There were members of the church that threatened other members to get them involved in the mountain meadow massacre. Those involved took an oath of secrecy to never admit or talk about the heinous crime they committed.  Rumors continued to circulate that Olive and her daughter were prostitutes.  They were buried in an unmarked grave north of Cedar City.  The town and prominent church leaders and even General Authorities petitioned for George's pardon and after 3 years of his life sentence George Wood was released.  He was a well respected citizen, member of the church.....and a murderer, yet the members of the church overlooked his actions simply because Olive and Emily were strangers and they believed the lies that were told.  Ironically, George Wood is an ancestor of mine through a different family line.  Yes, even back then the sanctity of life held little value to some members of the church. In this case, one life was more valuable than another.  An unfortunate truth that still exists today is that not all members of the church treat others the way they would want to be treated.  This is not a teaching of the church, but is the result of the natural man and influence of corruption.   https://www.geni.com/people/Olivia-Coombs/6000000016864017105  Here is the full story.  Olive and her family endured so much loss and yet their faith kept them in the church up until the moment of ultimate loss.

Olive's other children were placed with her siblings and other LDS families.  One of her daughters who witnessed the murder and fled was Arabella Coombs Smith.  She married Stanford Smith and was famous for her journey through the Hole in The Rock to settle more LDS communities in the San Juan County area.  They were members of the Cedar City community before they left on the San Juan Mission.  She was violently drug behind the wagon while her young children waited patiently and faithfully at the top of the rocky terrain.  They were the last wagon to go down.  The Smith family helped all of the other wagons and when no one came back to help them Bella was the only help Stanford had in getting their wagon down.  Help did come, but it was too late, Bella had already suffered and the wagon was damaged.  They all came through it okay in the end.  Bella died early in life at the age of 30 after giving birth to her last child who then died after a short time.  Why did Bella stay?  Why did she have the faith to do what she did?  Why did her children have such faith?  Their belief in a Loving Heavenly Father, and the covenants they made in the temple, perhaps.  They knew the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.  I think Arabella had plenty of reason to leave the church.  She was not only witness to the murder of her mother and sister, by a prominent church leader, but she witnessed unrighteous dominion among other church leaders.  She witnessed the gossip and slander of her family by church leaders! How could she possibly move forward in faith?  How could she be a part of a church whose members justified killing her beloved family?

Elizabeth Xavier Tait was another of my Grandmothers.  She was converted to the church in India where she also married her husband, my Grandfather.  William Tait was on military duty from Ireland or Scotland (sources differ) in India when he met the missionaries and was converted and later met and married Elizabeth.  They came to America separately.  She was pregnant at the time her husband and young son left by boat for California.  The journey was long and difficult and so after her baby was born she went to New York.  She left her whole life and family behind for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  On the way the baby died and she was alone.  She met up with the Saints and made her Journey to Utah with the Willy and Martin Handcart Company.  That was probably the most physically brutal of any journey that any Saint has ever taken.  A real-life walking dead, as some saints entered the valley looking as close to death as anyone could get.   Her husband not knowing if she was even alive was asked to be a part of the rescue party for the handcart companies.  There on the trail, he found her still alive after not knowing for a very long time.  They settled in Cedar City and lived faithful lives. Fun fact: I had the opportunity of growing up in a house just up the street from the one they lived in so long ago and I have seen their signatures on the original deed to the house.  Why would she leave everything behind?

Why did these women stay in the church?  Were they simply abused into staying? Were they so brainwashed to the point that they were willing to sacrifice everything for a bunch of lies?  They did not have the excuse of believing because it was how they were raised.  I have a hard time believing that millions of people (currently) that belong to a church that does so much good are so misled into believing hundreds and even thousands of years of possibly"made up" stories from the Bible and Book of Mormon.  Not to mention the many other millions that believe in the Bible and others that believe in the same Biblical stories written in non christian records.  I think the Faith these women exhibited tells a very different story.  There is so much more to personal conversion than simply being coerced, fearful, or what some may believe, manipulated.  I truly believe that these women felt something when they read the Book of Mormon.  It planted a seed that continued to grow with more faith building experiences. If individuals are not taught the the gospel through the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, then how can they choose it?  It wasn't about the controversies, it wasn't just about one man-Joseph Smith, it wasn't about the wrongdoings and sins of other members of the church.  Maybe it was really about joy, living the gospel through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints brought them joy despite their trials! After the trials of their faith came a witness of the truth! The faith and belief of the members from the past and present is much more deep-seeded and personal than many may comprehend.  Elder Renlund can explain better what I am saying.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/16renlund?lang=eng

There was a time in my life when these stories bothered me and I was just not sure I would have done the same things they did.  Could I leave behind a life or belongings and pickup and go into the unknown?  I consulted with my seminary teacher on one occasion and asked him questions and told him my concern.  His wise response was "if you strive to do what the prophet counsels today then you would have done it then too!"  I have pondered on that so much ever since then, still not entirely convinced I have the faith sufficient for that, but I have hope! 

Bottom line is that I believe Christ to be perfect and His church to be perfect, however it is run by imperfect people.  Yes of course there is evil and corruption among some of the members, there are misunderstandings, misjudgements, and hypocrisy, there has been since the beginning.  The Book of Mormon is a foreshadowing of our day and much of these same issues existed among the believers in those ancient days.  God knows we are all imperfect, God does the best he can with what he has and He wants us to choose him, He will never force us.  If an individual is living the gospel to the best of his/her abilities, living the commandments, following the prophet, and so on, they will not be lead astray, they will not be lead to do evil.  I know when I read my scriptures and pray everyday I am less likely to sin, especially in the little sins.  Anyone outside of the church will not be lead to evil if they are striving to do good continually.  This is an eternal principle of truth and a divine law that does apply to everyone.  I personally believe that there are many righteous people outside of my faith.  For me, the main point of the church teachings is to encourage and lead people to be more like Jesus Christ.  You can't judge the church as a whole based on the misconduct of a few, so this is true for any religion. I decided a long time ago, for myself, that I would not allow the wrongdoings, sins and mistakes, past or present, of others to dictate my beliefs or what I know to be true.  I am also subject to sins and mistakes.  The spirit of forgiveness and understanding is the glue that can hold all of us together, if we understand forgiveness we may be less likely to take offense easily, hold grudges, or harbor anger.

At the end of Joseph Smith's life his enemies asked him to deny all of it and they would spare him, but he didn't.  If I am to believe he was so evil that he perpetrated such a hoax even unto death, then why is the church such a powerful force for good in the world today?  https://www.thechurchnews.com/leaders-and-ministry/2019-10-06/general-conference-2019-lds-mormon-humanitarian-history-charity-163323?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=celestial+marriage&utm_campaign=facebookpages&fbclid=IwAR1Cyh1sv-ZCCnn6aAEzQh4AQ4rSjUvremJ-aC0ke1wPOoRaDWy4oIqkI8c  Evil does not bring about righteousness, nor does righteousness bring about evil.  No matter how many times you plant an apple seed, you will never get a tomato plant, divine law at it's best!  There will always be people in the world that will try to mask good for evil and evil for good!  There will always be the Monsantos of the world that will continue their efforts to change the apple into the tomato, so to speak, Haha!  No matter what they do the apple will never truly be the tomato, so the church will never be this great evil (or other things) that some sources may claim that it is.

Why does reading the Book of Mormon inspire a desire in me to be a better person?  Because of truth!  I do believe in absolute truths and in the existence of divine laws.  My heart and mind, or rather my spirit, recognizes the teachings of the church that are contained in the Book of Mormon, Bible, and the Pearl of Great Price as absolute truth and Divine law. When someone wants to tell the difference between counterfeit and truth, in art, currency, or religion what do they master?  They study and master the original or the truth, only then can they discern the counterfeit.  If you study counterfeits first it could be easy to be deceived.  If you master the truth and then start studying the counterfeit and fail to return to the truth, then you may get confused.  It is important to study the truth on a regular basis in order to keep your faith.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/jamiejones/can-you-spot-the-real-artwork-from-the-fake  Of course, I am talking about truths in religious beliefs vs. things that dissenters or others may write about it out of some ill intent.  I do not claim to understand why many leave the church and I am not suggesting that this example applies to all who leave, but I do know this example is true. I have read or discussed with others many "outside the church" sources and have always determined them to be incomplete truths. When considering some of the authors behind these sources it could be concluded that they had motives that were perhaps dishonorable, or perhaps it is only a matter of opinion.  Even if what the sources say are true how we look at it is up to our own personal faith.  There are many truthful matters from the past and also the present that do try our faith. I choose to always trust God and His prophet before I trust some of my fellow humans with regard to what is actually true about the church and its teachings.  I do believe that God is the author of the Book of Mormon.  The actions and writings of others does not detract from the truthfulness of the church, but it can distract, so caution is required on the part of all members in order to not get caught up in the distractions.

People have been leaving the church since it began, people have been joining since it began, and people have been leaving and returning since it began.  In a college institute class I studied the life and teachings of Joseph Smith and we read many journal accounts of many members of the church.  It was interesting how people described him so differently.  Some accounts said he was short and stocky while others described him as tall and thin and even others described him as tall and stocky.  Some said he was a jovial happy man who loved kids and some did not approve of a prophet playing with children.  Some said he was strict, stern and serious.  What??? How could all of those be true?  Well maybe all of them were true to some degree because it is based on perception.  Truth can have some relativity at times, with regard to perception, or rather there are levels of truth. Different people had different experiences with the prophet Joseph Smith.  Some saints were personally responsible for landing Joseph in jail on occasion.   Clearly there were some saints that did not like him and many never knew him, but still traveled great lengths to join themselves with the pioneers.  When studying the perceptions of others, past and present, we must discern for ourselves what is truth.  Someone's perception sometimes leads to what they believe as truth and that becomes their reality, does it not?  As I mentioned above, people have differing experiences.  If perceptions are based on assumptions then someone's truth or reality of someone else could be completely false.  If perception is based on partial truth, then we may fail to search out the whole truth.  Joseph Smith probably was serious and even stern on occasion with some members, but did that one experience paint the whole picture? Probably not.

Many did not like the prophet Brigham Young.  He was a very opinionated man and there was controversy surrounding his leadership too.  We have to remember that prophets and apostles had and have their own opinions and bias' independent of revelation.  They are also subject to mistakes and sins, they are not perfect either.  It would not be right for us as members or non members of the church to hold church leaders to that impossible standard of perfection.  Sometimes church leaders share opinions based on personal experience and sometimes our experience may differ.  This does not however, make them wrong about what they say.  It's important to seek for the truth in what they say even if that does not match our experience. It is important to not take every word as doctrinal revelation.  For example the statement "Faith and fear cannot coexist", we have been told that so many times, but I happen to know that many times in my life I have experienced fear, but also had faith.  I do believe that the more faith we possess the less fear can afflict us, but they certainly can coexist.  We are always counseled to pray about the revelations that are placed before us. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/17oaks?lang=eng

Many times in my life I have felt the Holy Ghost testify to me of the truthfulness of the Gospel.  I have had many experiences in my life that have furthered my belief in the church to the point that I would be unable to deny the truthfulness of it.  At the end of the day my belief in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints makes me a better person.  It inspires me to do good in the world!  It gives me hope and something to live for, a sense of purpose!  I realize there are many things I may never fully understand and there may be questions always left unanswered, but many of these things, I also realize, are of little importance in the grand scheme of things.  Some of these questions go unanswered due to my own lack of faith.  More can always be revealed to an individual who has faith and really desires to know.  I accept that one day answers will come and I have faith that all things will work out for our good.  We all have a choice and one of those choices is to have joy.  Living the gospel of Jesus Christ brings me joy.  I do believe joy is relative and I do believe the gospel of Jesus Christ can enhance joy and peace to people's lives, other religions can have the same effect.  You may feel that your joy is maximized by having no religious belief and that is up to you to decide.  Only the individual can really know what choices bring them joy.  We should all do what makes us happy, but we should all strive for greater understanding of one another.  I can say for myself that I have never felt despair while serving others, living the gospel, or teaching the gospel.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints enhances and broadens my understanding of everything in this life from science, to freedom, to relationships and emotions.

Knowing what I know and drawing on the feelings of my own personal revelations and experiences, I make a conscious choice to accept and live the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I continuously seek for truth through the lens of the gospel.  The church is Christ-centered and only teaches mankind to do good.  I look at it like this, if I get to the next life and happen to discover I was wrong then at least I know I lived a good, happy, honest life and made the world a better place.  My belief in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints will have done no harm and it made me a better person.  I do know it's TRUE though, and I don't believe the above scenario will come to pass, but I do not have an absolute perfect knowledge of God or His Son Jesus Christ and my Faith is far from perfect, so, logically there is room for that possibility.  I always have hope that one day my faith will be perfect and I will have gained a perfect knowledge of Heavenly Father and His Son. I continue to strive for growing knowledge and an expanding faith in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I would also add that my understanding of others' beliefs is also growing.

No matter our beliefs, let's all be kind to one another and strive for further understanding!  I believe all of us are on a journey to find truth and purpose, so whoever you are I wish you well in that journey!
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/11holland?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/14christofferson?lang=eng