Trench in The Sand
This week has been an interesting one for me. As I've been writing this I've had this overwhelming feeling that it's time to stand, that the fight is coming..........and what do you know Sunday morning I receive this email at work basically saying they will mandate the vaccine, which I responded to of course.
Lately, I have felt myself hardening toward the world.......NOT hate in any sense of the term "harden", nor is my heart hard. My heart has been saddened by the world, by people........but is soft, or compassionate toward those suffering the terrors and destruction of mind, body, and soul! As our world successfully becomes immunized with fear, I'm here to suggest we immunize ourselves with courage in the coming days, weeks, and months. I'm reminded of my past experiences that have led to this moment as I listen to some of my favorite people. Thank you Bryan Hyde, Kate Dalley, and Barry Brownstein for helping me find courage and to rediscover the faith that was always there, but felt lost or darkened by the world. Thanks to anyone out there who has stood in courage against the tyranny that has quickly befallen us, our country, and world. My husband has been a great example to me as well. You are heroes to me! I have been feeling this courage boil up in me this week!
When I say hardened toward the world, I mean I no longer care what people think, I'm not as afraid to use my voice. I'm beginning to not care if I lose my job, my house, or my friends. Yes it is sad, but there is a greater mission, something bigger than just me. I believe that maybe I have been called by God to be where I am now, standing for freedom........will I answer His call?...... I hope so! As I think of my past and my experiences, I can't deny them, nor can I deny God's role in them. As my life has sort of flashed before me this week I realize I don't believe in coincidence or "covid-incidence"! I am here to tell all who my voice will reach that I am ready and willing to lift where I stand and not run! As I've recently studied the Nuremberg trials I realize the Jews ran, many of them, like some of the witnesses who testified at Nuremberg . As soon as things got bad they moved from country to country until they met their demise. They wanted to be peaceful. I can't blame them for wanting peace, but at some point you have to stand. I have news for you.....there is no where else to run to! When all of this started I will admit my conscience was always telling me this is wrong, but I had thoughts like " Well it is just a mask, it's temporary, I don't want to fight." I will admit I wore the mask at work because it was required and people were pretty critical, it was like if you took the mask off it literally meant you were infected. I really saw the little tyrant come out of many people! I wore the mask to the store simply to avoid confrontation. Confrontations give me anxiety and nightmares. Now, I realize the nightmare we are living is much worse than any of the confrontations I avoided by wearing the mask! My husband was kicked out of a few places for not complying. Reams in West Jordan, UT allowed him to walk through the store getting his items without a mask and surprisingly no one said a word until he went to checkout. They slammed a box of masks in front of him and said he had to wear a mask. He politely started a discussion telling them it was not a law. He kept his cool the whole time and the manager instructed another employee to call the cops........as the employee picks up the phone he pulls his mask down to talk in the phone, haha! Ironic, right? You can't make this up! So my husband threw the produce on the belt and started walking out and the manager, a lady, literally swings her leg at him trying to kick him! He turned around and said "do it, lady, do it, that'll be worth a few thousand dollars in court!" He didn't stick around for the cops! Now I have not had the courage to do this, and maybe I still don't, I don't know, but I realize I also don't want to run until I meet my demise. It is up to us to stop it!
I work in the medical industry in Salt Lake City so I've seen some really heavy restrictions. The next thing coming is the mandated vaccines. I love my job, I'm good at my job, and I love the people I work with, many of them are family to me. The company I work for is rated as one of the best companies to work for in the country. They have great benefits and I feel that they really care about their employees. It will be interesting to see what happens, but I have no problem voicing my opinion about mandates! At work I talk pretty openly and loudly with other co workers about my feelings, perspectives, and politics! Last May marked 1 year of mask mandate at my workplace and they had just issued new training about HIPPA. It specifically said that you cannot ask your coworker about vaccine status! I'm sure HR has been living a nightmare, thus the training! One of my coworkers has been asked his vaccine status several times since this training came out. Makes me wonder if they are searching for validation from the person that's pretty cool and everyone likes! Well, back to last May, the company sent out an email with the updated mask policy saying "if you are vaccinated you don't need to wear the mask, but the unvaccinated MUST wear a mask, also we encourage everyone to still wear it anyway!" Now, none of this is enforceable because no one can ask you, remember! Wow! I got a glimpse into what segregation looked and felt like for a brief moment. I felt horrible! I went home crying! I contacted a few of my coworkers that were in my same boat and we all decided we needed to report a complaint about the company to the speak up portal. This portal is where you can report harassment, bullying, any kind of misconduct, or breeches. The form has a spot for the perpetrator of the misconduct! In that spot I put the company's name along with the phrase "upper management". We reported the company's own HIPPA violation to its own HR department! I wrote a pretty long complaint, as you can imagine and explained how the vaccine status was attached to the wearing of the mask, which in turn violates HIPPA! So they explicitly told us that we can't ask each other, but now they are going to make us wear the sign of the unvaccinated, the scarlet letter or star of David! No thanks! The policy was changed within 2 days! They said they had received quite a few complaints and after thinking it over realized the policy was not upholding the 5 pillars of the company, haha, or they didn't want someone to file a real HIPPA lawsuit! I felt pretty good about that! I felt that we had done something really amazing! I don't know the exact number of complaints, but my little group of 4 friends were in that and we made a difference! We halted a medical apartheid. Although that experience boosted my courage, sadly, we are back in masks. After having only 2 months off we had to put them back on as per the CDC. I did not put a complaint in about that, but as I walk around, I notice more people being casual about it. I'm not afraid to walk around with it below my nose. I just take more breaks, breathing breaks, as I call them, and I don't care. If they are going to make me wear it then I just won't be as productive, sorry, I have to breath! No one has said anything to me about it. I get this sense of tiredness from people.
There is a call for medical apartheid going on across the world right now, so I know more is coming!! As I've pondered the very real prospect that I might lose my job in the future over a vaccine mandate, I told my husband that if I can get my pension and retirement we will be okay for a year maybe a little longer. So we will have that time to figure something out. My sweet daughter has been praying that I only have to work a few more months......so sweet, I'm starting to think that her prayer might get answered. It is not an easy thing for me to lose my job. It supports my family, my husband's work at the moment is not enough to support our bills and we don't live wildly beyond our means, not beyond our means even a little. We have been seriously preparing to add an addition to our family as well. So here I am preparing to expand my family, am the main provider for my family and knowing that losing my job could become my reality any day. Not only that, but I will most certainly be laughed out of the industry, by many, for my choice! So this is not easy. If I could use words to describe how I've felt for the past few months I would say I have been living in my trench in the sand! Yes I mean trench, it has been disheartening and depressing thinking about it! I feel like I've been sitting in this trench preparing and getting up the courage to run head on into battle! Yes, this is my trench in the sand! I will not inject this somewhat untested, emergency, vaccine into my temple. God gave me an immune system and I think with a 99.7% chance of surviving, I will be okay! I have not gone wrong in the past by trusting the God given immune system and yes I do believe that my specific experiences were given to me by God. I can't help but feel that I was meant to learn these things for some reason, this reason........? Maybe? Just a thought, but maybe this is His way of raising me up to be prepared for whatever mission He has in store for me. Maybe He has prepared me to lift where I stand and to recognize the truth, to speak, and He will do the rest. I'm not trying to be self aggrandizing by any means, like I have this great mission to save the world or something, but maybe it is to save myself and my family or bring just a few others to the truth.
So why the disdain for much of the medical community? You might ask. Why do I feel the way I do? I've seen how the pink slime is made.......metaphorically speaking. I don't want any part of it, no I will not subscribe to the mind rape that happens in this industry! The mind games are there and I refuse to give them authority. If I do go see a doctor for advice that means I give them permission to solicit advice and that certainly does not mean I agree with it or will do it. Some of these experiences may not be appropriate for this medium or any medium, I'm not sure yet, there are a few I don't think I can talk about here in this blog yet. But here are a few:
Before I was born my mom went in for her regular appointment and the doctor could not hear my heart beat. He started to freak out and told my mom that if there was no heart beat next time that they were going to abort. My mom knew I was still in there! She insisted that she knew I was alive, despite this, the doctor insisted I would be aborted, there was no question in his mind that I was gone! Sure enough, next time they found the heart beat! What can I say the disdain started in the womb, haha! I must have been hiding from him!
Pre kindergarten I go get my shots. I go home and become lethargic and unresponsive, my guess is it was something like a seizure. Our family doctor was great and acknowledged that this was a common reaction they were seeing with the new cocktail vaccines and that it was the pertussis. Fortunate for me the doc had enough sense to give me smaller doses without the pertussis. Vaccines do not have the same affect for everyone! Plain and simple!
My lovely endometriosis years were full of searching and trying to find cause and relief, they were also filled with the most asinine doctors and nurses in Utah! I'm actually grateful for having this opportunity because it taught me not to trust all doctors and some are really bad. I was accused of being pregnant as a teenager, I was accused of lying and wanting attention. I was treated pretty badly on more than a few occasions. It seemed to me that just because I was a teenager, these people thought they could treat me like I didn't really matter, that I was stupid and overall say very abusive things to me! If you disagree with a provider the answer is always, you must be crazy or you are lying. At one of my ultrasound appointments they made me wait for over an hour with a full bladder, I'm a teenager, remember. I had never done this before, this was a new feeling, new pain and tested my endurance, it still does after having done this many times now. Once I get in there I peed slightly and the nurse or radiologist was all over me, started yelling at me saying " did you pee? Did you pee? If you pee and mess this up I'll go up into your uterus with a scope!" I was horrified! My mom and I both just said "the hell you are"! I think these types of procedures, ultrasounds, pap smears, mammograms, breast exams, etc. have become so commonplace and doctors forget that these are the private spaces of the body. These are the sacred centers for reproduction and as such they deserve respect and people deserve to be treated with respect and sensitivity with regard to these parts of the body and all parts. You should never want to violate it, but I do feel I was violated on occasions. I can't claim to be part of the #Metoo movement or anything, not that I would ever want to, but I would say there is a fine line when doctors are working with young kids and teenagers. You can still make people feel violated in some way. This needs to be realized! Because of these things, I grew up with some messed up ideas and difficulty about intimacy. One doctor thought it was just fine to tell me I needed to change my body in order to make intimacy more enjoyable. Granted I was no longer a teenager at this time, but he contributed to my sprouting disdain for physical intimacy. I don't care how old you are, telling anyone that sort of thing without any prior inquiry by the patient is kind of screwed up. Luckily I did have a decent doctor I spoke with right before getting married that helped me work through some of this damage. Talking with my husband about it before we married also helped.
After so long I gave up on doctors and started seeking answers elsewhere. Chiropractic care saved me. It helped me solve so many issues. At the heart of that solving lied nutrition, good eating habits, exercise, spinal alignment, healing the gut and the use of herbs. The herbs worked better for my endometriosis pain than any birth control I had ever taken in the past. After all of this, I was healthier than ever before! I felt completely new! Any kind of health care provider that would say vitamins don't work, herbs don't work, good nutrition provides minimal benefit, the gut doesn't matter, or that input doesn't equal output, is an imbecile! I'm sorry you spent thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars to be an imbecile! Go put some Kool-Aid in you gas tank then drive to work, see what happens! Oh......wait...... it looks like there may be a shortage of Kool-Aid because everyone's drinking it! Haha! I could go on, but that is the nicest way I can put it at the moment! I'm not saying you should feel the way I do, but I'm just saying be careful who you trust, listen to, and what advice you take. I'm also not here to give medical advice, that is not the point. I'm not saying medical stuff doesn't work or there aren't good doctors out there. I am here to say that I was pushed down a different path because of the way I was treated and as a result discovered some pretty amazing truths. I'm here to tell you why I feel the way I do.
When it came time to have babies, I chose to try Hypnobabies, which I had great success with. When I was doing the home study program and read the section on kindness and how to treat your baby after they are born, I have to admit I kind of broke down. It made me cry......maybe this will seem overly dramatic to some of you, but to me it made me feel like, "why didn't I deserve that kindness as a child, as a teenager, at doctor appointments? Why couldn't someone offer my life that kind of kindness?" These things need to be brought back to medical care. I know a lot of people that have nothing but good things to say about their providers or hospital stays. I also know a lot of people that feel the way I do and have experienced similar things!
When I was in the hospital after giving birth to my son I needed and Rh factor shot within 24 hours because his Rh was positive and mine is negative. The 24 hour mark was nearing and I had to ask the nurse about it. She forgot! When I asked her about it she looked at me with a blank stare for a moment like she didn't know what I was talking about, and then acted like it was no big deal! She quickly acted though! I know nurses are busy and I have great respect for them and what they do, but isn't that sort of a big deal? I'm glad I remembered! That literally could mean that my next baby could die. I have a friend who had an issue with Rh factor when she was pregnant. Her baby lived because of modern medicine, but he was in the hospital for a very long time and had many blood transfusions. It's a serious thing! So, again I ask, why don't I deserve this consideration? The answer is, I do, I just managed to find many doctors not willing to give it to me, why? Because I question their authority, because I get a 2nd opinion? Time to get over yourself and lose the ego because kindness is more important especially when it comes to matters of the body! Don't be afraid to follow your gut on matters such as these!
With the passing of this last week I have felt inspired.......scared........maybe even a little excited by the prospect of new doors opening up. This is not how I imagined new doors opening up, but I do trust God. Why you might ask? Well something else that happened this week was the whisper of a still small voice saying "it will be okay" accompanied by a sense of peace and a knowing that I am where God needs me to be. Shortly after this came the thought that "it is just a job", it's not who I am or what I am. He planted me here 13 years ago and I've been incredibly blessed, but so many things about my past are networking together and making more sense to me. Many of the Why's have been answered this last week. I do have a purpose and part of that is standing for freedom where I'm at and not running. I don't know what will happen, but I know God will provide.
I encourage you all to gain courage and set your sight on truth and light. I do hope for peace despite the fight that will take place for our liberty.
I found your blog through Barry on Facebook. I just wanted to say, be encouraged! Keep on keeping on! Also, I'm feeling called to share a YouTube channel with you. Check out Probably Alexandra. I've watched most of her videos, but just started her most recent series called Programmed. She's a brilliant researcher. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your encouragement! I will check it out! Let's do what we are called to do! God bless!
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